HowTo:Become master of all time and matter

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Since about 1970, many people have become master of all time and matter. Now you can do the same by following this simple recipe.


  • 37 eggs
  • 1 ounce of butter
  • 3 small laptops
  • 85.7 kumquats
  • 0.2 old people (about a leg's worth)
  • A spoon
  • A mixing bowl
  • An oven
  • A hammer
  • A jar of butterflies
  • A fabulous new range of hair products

Step 1[edit]

Pre-heat the oven to 105 degrees/gas mark 4.

Step 2[edit]

Break all the eggs into the mixing bowl and whisk until your hand comes off.

Step 3[edit]

Put the old person's leg into the oven and cook until a nice golden brown.

Step 4[edit]

Cut each of the kumquats in half and make them into a nice pretty pattern on the table.

Step 5[edit]

Pour the egg mixture evenly over the rows and rows of kumquats. Take the old person's leg out of the oven - by now it should have become sentient/sapient and will be plotting to destroy Earthity.

Step 6[edit]

Remove the foot of the leg with the butcher's knife. The foot may become angry, in which case allow it to lick some of the egg mixture.

Step 6.5[edit]

Consider at this point if you wish to continue. If 'yes', move on to step 7. If 'no', clear everything up and give the foot to a dog shelter where it will find a good home.

Step 7[edit]

Crush each of the laptops to a fine powder. Sprinkle this liberally over the bed of eggy kumquats.

Step 8[edit]

It is now time to perform the blood sacrifice. Hold the jar of butterflies above the bed of eggy laptopy kumquats and smash it with the hammer. The butterflies will be sucked in by the smell of eggy laptops (a treat for butterflies) but will be poisoned by the kumquats (the natural enemy of butterflies. Don't feel sad about this; all butterflies are filthy Communist bastards.

Step 9[edit]

Now the blood sacrifice has been made, the Deep Ones will arise from the ocean and will want to start destroying every person as soon as possible. Delay them by showing your fabulous new range of hair products.

Step 10[edit]

While the Deep Ones are distracted by your fabulous new range of hair products, smear some of the butter onto each of their foreheads. This will immediately rewrite their brain patterns so they will be completely under your control.


You can now use the Deep Ones to become master of all time and matter, with your trusty sidekick Sentient Old Person's Foot (or Jimmy to his minions).