IllogiNews:Horoscopes for April, 2011

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

• Aries - Ben Gleck will suck your thumb every day of the year with his great box.
• Taurus - No new taxes, at least that's what you thought. Roll again.
• Gemini - Dramatica dies, and so do you.
• Cancer - In Soviet Russia, elephant eat you!
• Leo - Don't listen to the totalitarian theocrat with the moustache.
• Virgo - Who invented this sign, anyway? Chuck Norris?
• Libra - Uncle Pete goes further down the toilet. Nobody cares.
• Scorpio - Scorpion? Where?
• Sagittarius - Salmon patties eat you.
• Capricorn - Fishing is a natural part of a balanced life. Please don't take that literally.
• Aquarius - Chamone! You a smooth criminal! Hee hee!
• Pisces - Everything you know is wrong.
• Ophiuchus- I still don't think this is real. So, I'm not gonna write one for this.