IllogiNews:Rolex now markets to middle class budgets

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

No longer is owning a Rolex like being fatally crushed by a horse.

NEW YORK, New York -- Rolex, maker of ridiculously priced time pieces, will lower it's standards beginning October 1, 2010, when the company will roll out moderately priced products. Like many other industries, the watchmaker to Kings has felt the pinch of a stressed world economy.

Rolex spokesperson and barking enthusiast Roger Piltdown told IllogiNews, on condition of anonymity, that "following the lead of fellow upscale manufacturers and purveyors of cool shit, like Mercedes-Benz, Maserati and Porsche, our board feels that supplying bling to the average chump can only improve the bottom line. I mean, think of that poor schlub, working two jobs to make ends meet, and all of a sudden he sees that he can have a Rolex too. Of course, they'll be made like shit, from shit materials. We'll push expensive warranties and move them at Wal*Mart, places like that. Say, it that thing on?"

Smelly dog farts aside, consumers are expected to come out in droves after the first advertising shows on Fox television. The theme of the commercial, the first of several animal-based efforts, shows a man being crushed to death by his own horse in front of a Rolex sign with logo. Viewers are encouraged to blow a few hundred dollars on a mid-priced watch, so that they might impress friends and business rivals.

Repeated attempts to call the company CEO directly were met with a restraining order.