Is this where I deposit my award-winning caricature of Aubrey Beardsley?
Groundskeeper? I say, groundskeeper? GROUNDSKEEPER!! There you are, you senile old man! You are quite possibly the most lazy, incompetent, underqualified groundskeeper I've ever hired. Now do me a favor and take this extremely valuable and fragile Mayan artifact with you down the escalator to the basement. I've got an aardvark to groom. DAMMIT GROUNDSKEEPER! I told you to wear seven pairs of socks today, SEVEN! Since when do you get off wearing six pairs? Don't you realize that this is exactly the kind of thing that's going to bring down the United Nations?! That's the last straw, groundskeeper. You're fired!
Wait, Groundskeeper, come back here.[edit | edit source]
I almost forgot why I'd called you over here. Put this chain mail on, you're hired again. Now, today is the day of a very important competition between me and the retirement home inside the left ventricle of my heart. If I win, I get to murder every member of all of its inhabitants' extended families. If they win, they retain the right to secede from my body. Now, seeing as I need- HEAVEN ALIVE, GROUNDSKEEPER! HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR NOGGIN!?!? I've told you a million times! The chain mail underwear goes on top of your head! You're beginning to develop into quite the liability.
Anyways, forget all of that. Forget the Mayan artifact, forget the competition, forget the socks- No! Wait!...Do not forget the socks. Go get them. I'll wait...
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Sweet potato pie, man! Do you want to send me to an early grave?! If you keep showing up so late to things, you'll wind up making me late...early! Do you catch my meaning? Good. Because I'm sending you to Borneo in the morning. Now, I'm not going to take any lip about this, groundskeeper. I've got quite a large supply of pickled lips already filling my wine cellar. And do you know how many of them I've ever had occasion to use? Not a one! Who collects pickled lips?! Apparently I do. Why?! Tell me why!!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'd say I've been under a lot of stress lately, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As evidenced by my wading in this enormous chocolate parfait. Doesn't it look delicious? I know, I'm a fool for wading in it, right? This parfait could easily feed every person in Rwanda for a week! BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Ah, yes. I love being unnecessarily wasteful.
Jumping Axolotls! What In Beyla, The Norse Cow God's Spicy Name Is That?!?![edit | edit source]
A what now? A necktie? Dear God, man, you scared the very endocrine system out of me! I'm serious. My body is no longer capable of secreting hormones! All because of that - what was it you called it? A "necktie"? I could have sworn you were being strangled to death by the rare Bolivian horse-snake! It does so exist, you old bat! Who died and made you chair of the board of zoology? Sir Stamford Raffles, you say?...That man was quite the Gin Rummy player. He once cleared me out in straight aces. Yes, I know that's not a real Gin Rummy term. Do you think I have any idea how to play that game? Have you ever wondered why I refer to everyone I've ever met as "quite the Gin Rummy player"?
And Another Thing![edit | edit source]
Why does everyone always insist on playing Gin Rummy when they meet me?! You did it too, groundskeeper, don't try to weasel out by nodding your head! It's as if I can't go out in public without impromptu Gin Rummy games erupting all over the place. By the time I make it to the end of the street, I've already forgotten what I was going out to do! It's just as well, seeing as I don't actually ever go out to do anything. You normally take care of that sort of thing.
Oh! Wait! That's not you, that's the butler! You're the groundskeeper! This whole time I thought I was talking to the wrong person. I'm sorry groundskeeper, carry on doing whatever it is that you groundskeepers do. Keeping the ground, I'd imagine, but seeing as we're flying at 30,000 feet, I've no idea what good you could possibly do. You figure it out, I'm off to find the landscaper. I've got a terrible craving for a gin and tonic.