From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

This article has been deemed
because it's cool enough to curdle cheese.
See more EPICS

This page is cucumber cucumber cucumber cucumber cucumber!!!!!
This page shouldn't have been viewed by children...
 Oh well. 


"Son; why go for the gold, when you can go for the bronze?"

Those words rang through my head as I was typing a presentation at the local office. It takes training to get a high paying job as a C.E.O. but to be a desk worker takes nothing. It's easy. "A mediocre life is fine", I thought. I was wrong. So wrong...

Chapter 1: Meh[edit]

"Johnson! In my office," the boss yelled.

I lackadaisically got up and walked towards his office. I walked in and shut the door and he spoke, "Johnson, I want you to do the presentation tomorrow."

I was stunned. "Who's the presentation for?" I asked.

"About that... See; our investors are a... group of blood-sucking vampires."

"WHAT THE HELL?" I screamed, "Why me?"

He responded, "You're by far the most useless employee to this company. So even if you get the blood drank out of you, nothing will change".

He was right. I did shit around there. But I couldn't die, no, "I have so much to live for. There's uh... my... I've got nothing", I thought.

My boss spoke, "You'll need this poster and you need to study up on the latest technology in easy methods of sedation to make blood extraction easier," I started to walk out, "One last thing. Don't be afraid."

"Don't be afraid?" I thought, "I have to try to sell something to a bunch of vampires and I'm not supposed to be afraid. Is he on crack?"

I walked up to the secretary where she gave me my ticket to Bucharest, Romania.

She of course said, "Have a nice flight" as everyone does.

I wanted to say, "Well, hopefully the flight will be nice; like that'll help."

I doubted anyone else in the office knew what I was doing because no one said, "Good luck" or something cheesy like that. I went home and studied the book he gave me hard, memorizing every page. I fell asleep at 3:00am with my head on top of the book.

Chapter 2: Mediocrity[edit]

I caught his 8:00am flight to the heart of vampire-town; Transylvania. The flight didn't arrive until about a day later. I checked into my hotel and went back to studying the book trying to memorize everything. Again, I fell asleep with my head on the book. I woke up the next day and ate some food to try to cure my jet lag and headed to the presentation which was at 13 Rezling Avenue. When my rental car pulled up, I realized it was a cave. "Oh Dear...." I said to myself.

I knocked on the wall and a man with red eyes answered, "Are you the man from the U.S?"

I nodded. He led me into an opening in the cave that looked exactly like the stereotypical vampire lair. Red all over the sides. You know. There was a makeshift pedestal and easel for my convenience.

I stuttered unbelievably and forgot everything I studied. Out of disgust I shouted, "Why the fuck do you need this shit anyway? Why not do it the fucking old fashioned way, eh?!"

That didn't exactly sit well with the vampires who swarmed at me. The ringleader bit me in the neck first. The shock made me become unconscious and I lay on the cold floor for hours.

Chapter 3: Normality[edit]

I awoke in the middle of the road at 7:00am. The sun was rising and my skin began to burn. Now that I write it, it seems really obvious what happened but I DIDN'T KNOW! I got up and realized how hungry I was. I went into a convenient store and bought some Cheetos. I ate them on a bench on the side of the road but realized they didn't satisfy my hunger.

I looked at the bag and went across the street to throw it out. The sun was completely in the sky and it felt like I was getting burned in an oven. I ran back into the convenient store and bit the convenient store owner's neck out of impulse. The blood... It tasted so good... I kept biting and sucking. When I was done, he had no more blood left in him. I wiped my lips and thought, "Holy shit, I'm a vampire."

What a realization, eh? I want you to have to realize that. It's like "WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!!"

Well, anyway, I was in the street, skin burning, and I needed to get inside. I ran away from the convenient store and broke into someone's apartment.

They woke up screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" and I bit their neck off.

"Tasty," I said to myself.

Just a note, I bet you never thought this story would end up like this, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Nevermind. I hid in the apartment, contemplating my options. Option A: Run the fuck away and come up with something else. And Option B: Follow Option A. I decided to go with Option A.


I ran out of Bucharest, panting as I ran under the aggressively burning sun. I found a cave and decided to hide from the sun in it. I then realized it was filled with bats. Vampire bats. I panicked but they spoke to me.

One said, "It is one! A vampire himself!"

Another chimed, "Oh my! We pray to you!"

Yet another said, "You are honored among us. Truly great honor for all of us to be in your presence."

I was still pissed so I retorted back, "Well fuck you 'cause I didn't even want to be a vampire. Now I'm stuck in a cave in the middle of fucking Romania being talked to by a bunch of FUCKING bats! Being a vampire isn't the high life. I like the sun. I like to play games in the SUN. But now that I'm a monster.. An undead... I can't! And you know what else I like? Food. People food. I like Outback Steakhouse. But now all I can fucking taste is blood!"

The bats stared. At least I think they did, it was dark as hell down there.

One said in a low voice, "I guess the vampire life isn't so great..." and they started to sob.

I put my head against the cold cave wall and sighed, "So now, I'm out of options..."

One bat piped in, "We'll help you!"

I was still angry, "How?"

He continued, "It is said, by legend of course, that somewhere there is a waterfall from which, if you drink, your vampirism will be cured."

I was interested, "And no one knows where this is?"

"Not as far as I know. I'm sorry I can't tell you more. I do hope your problem is solved."

I left the cave at dusk and headed to a nearby town where I went to the library and studied up on vampire myths. Being the heart of vampire country there was a lot of info. Most said shit about how garlic kills vampires.

I only thought, "Oh shit... How am I supposed to go to my Italian parents' house?"

Then I found something on the cure. It was said that on the opposite side of the world, there is water that will cleanse any vampire of his vampirism. It didn't say much but I did learn that vampires are sterile and will kill humans if they try to have sex with them. Why did I insist on writing that here? I dunno.

But the last thing it said about this waterfall was "It'll be hard to find, eh?" Then I knew.

Chapter 5: An unrelated chapter title.[edit]

I realized this fabled waterfall must be Niagara Falls. Niagara FUCKING Falls. Halfway across the FUCKING world. And me being myself, the good ol' vampire, can't travel during daylight so how the HELL was I gonna get there? That was a rhetorical question by the way. I'm contemplating my options at this point. I don't have enough money to fly so I have to walk. Whoop de fricken' doo for me, eh? EH??!!!

Very well, then. I decided in order to gain money, I needed to break into a major company's safe and steal the bonds. Obviously. Why would I NOT think of that, eh?

My target was the Flargenstein Building in central Bucharest. I would jump to the top floor with my vampire epic abilities and threaten the C.E.O. If he didn't comply I'd kill him. I'd then attempt to break through the code whilst making it seem as if everything's okay. Note I'm alone in this. Also note this chapter is short so the whole "stick-up" can be on it's own chapter.

Chapter 6: The whole "stick-up"[edit]

I did the first step exactly to plan and broke the window. The C.E.O. sat there in shock.

I laughed, being sure to show my fangs because I personally thought it was sexy but he thought it was intimidating. I went through the whole mumbo-jumbo.

He's like, "I'm not gonna give you the codes."

And I'm like, "I want the money".

And he's like, "Money? What kind of terrorists are you?"

And I laughed, Die Hard 1 villain style, "Who said we were terrorists?"

Just a note, did you know that evil guy in that ALSO plays Professor Snape in Harry Potter? Yup.

Moving on, I used my epic vampire skills to rip the guy's head off and then I drank his blood (I was thirsty). I sneaked down two the 10th floor where the safe was. I was expecting to have hours of cracking codes. When I got there, I decided to give the steel safe handle a yank.

It ripped out the wall and confetti popped out and I was like, "What the fuck?" but there they were, the equivalent to 2 billion U.S. dollars.

"Ooh la la..." I muttered to myself gayly.

Just then a man came in with a gun and said, "Stop it!" in a thick Transylvanian accent.

I laughed, "What are you gonna do? Shoot me? Go ahead." He shot me five times over and over.

He had a scared look, "How? How?"

I kept laughing, "I'm a vampire, ya see. You know, Dracula and shit. I can't be killed with bullets. So you have to options. I kill you or I kill you. Wait, that's only one! Haha!"

This guy must of shit his fucking pants when I said that. I decided to grab him and throw him out the window with extreme force. I turned around and laughed.

Chapter 7: I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD![edit]

After I turned I heard someone land behind me. I turned and saw the man I just threw out the window.

He laughed and showed his fangs, "Lucky for you, I'm a vampire, too."

And I'm like, "Daaaaaaaaamn! I didn't see that coming," in my head.

Then I said, "Well then, I'll have to rip your fuckin' head off." He dove towards me and tried to punch me. I dodged and threw him out the window. Lucky for me, this time he landed on a wooden stake that happened to be sticking out of the ground.

Then I started muttering, "Die motherfucker die motherfucker die!" to myself.

I left the building with the 2 billion in a bag and sprinted away. I jumped on top of a building to hide from any possible police officers. I looked down in the alley where I saw two people getting it on.

I looked down and said, "Get a room". Since they clearly didn't know English, kept going so I decided to kill them. Yep. Looking back on it, it seemed kinda cruel but oh fucking well. I walked through Bucharest staying in the shadows towards the airport. I got in and they said they couldn't accept my money. I was all pissed and shit but I left. I decided to try another method.

I waited for the flight to New York City to take off and I jumped on the plane and entered while it was taking off.

I was all like, "This is a fucking hijacking so keep your asses in your seats". An armed man came up to me but I broke his neck with ease.

I laughed, "You see, I'm a vampire and I could kill all of you with one finger so don't fuck with me. Though you're all gonna die anyway," I finished and showed my fangs all gangsterly.

Chapter 8: THE LIGHT!! IT BURNS!!![edit]

After killing all of the passengers, I shut all of the windows to avoid the sun.

I entered the cockpit and shouted, "Keep FUCKING going!" The pilot actually shit his pants (I could smell it) but kept going. As we were landed, I snapped his neck and jumped out of the plane into the New York night. I ran away, avoiding other planes at JFK. I could see the sun rising so I knew I couldn't travel.

Now I had the predicament of finding somewhere to stay. I headed towards the heart of the city to find somewhere. I decided to break into a high rise building. I jumped to the top floor and quickly killed the sleeping owner.

I shut the blinds and drank his blood. "Tasty," I said. I went to sleep on his bed for the first time in days. I woke up readily remembering that was because vampires don't need sleep.

"Oh yeah," I thought. I went into the living room and turned on the T.V. At this point it was about 11:00 so I turned on the Maury show.

"You are not the father!" I then turned the T.V. off.

I paced around his house for about 8 hours until the sun went down. I never really thought of how I was going to get out of the apartment but just then, I heard someone unlocking the door. I quickly jumped out the window onto a nearby building and kept hopping building to building until I jumped off of one at the edge of the city.

Chapter 9: Da fallz[edit]

I could go into great detail of how I used my super epic awesome vampire skills to run from New York City to Niagara Falls in five minutes but I'll spare you.

I made it there but it was under heavy security. There was no way I could drink the water. I sneaked up behind one and snapped his neck. I sprinted towards the falls but was grabbed. I was shot at but dodged all of them. I strangled one and kicked the other in the face. Twenty more came after me and I was intimidated. I tried to pick off one at a time but they gang rushed me. I was caught in the middle when I bit a chunk out of a Mountie's neck. I then went epic super bad ass on all of them and killed 'em all in like ten seconds.

I walked slowly towards the falls. And looked down. I didn't want to fall because, though I couldn't die, it would hurt like shit. I leaned down to take a drink. Just before I drank, I looked at all of the people I killed. How I killed like twenty people in ten seconds. I lifted my head up and walked away.

I said out loud, "Damn, I'm a bad ass. Fuck becoming human again."

The End