Michael Waltrip
“I am superbad when it comes to racing.”
Michael Confucius Buddha Bruce Lee Chang Wang Chong Waltrip (born in Hiroshima on the day they dropped the atom bombs) is a sponsor whore sucks at NASCAR and cannot and will not simply shut the fu*k up, even if NAPA or Burger King paid him. Mikey is the first Asian guy to win a race, but he cheated. Despite the fact that he tries to qualify for every race, he hardly never does. That makes him suck.
He currently lives in Beijing with his boyfriend Dale Jarrett, his mom, and his inflatible Buffy the Vampire Slayer doll.
Pitiful racing career[edit | edit source]
Wlatrip raced in competitive drifting for many years before he started missing races in NASCAR.
In 1941, driving the Japanese Jet Plane, Waltrip kicked Navy arse in the Pearl Harbor 500.
The following season, he finished last in every race. This was before Kurt Busch was racing, so Michael Waltrip had the job of Official Loser of the Year. After that suckish season, he only qualified for one race but won it because he had the only car in the race. It was the only race that year were he didn't put rocket fuel in his carberator, but everybody else did, so they were disqualified. After that, finished last in every race despite new sponsorships from the Ku Klux Klan and Nazis
Race Change (from white to Asian)[edit | edit source]
In 2007, Waltrip, his "domestic partner" Dale Jarett, and Jarrett's other "male lover", David Reutimann became the first people to undergo a successful race change. They turned Japanese shortly before the Daytona 500.
Becoming a whole new race had some drawbacks, though. After qualifying for the Daytona 500, the inspectors found out he was running on jet fuel. Remember what happened the last time Japan used jet fuel. He was fined a ridiculous amount of Yen and failed to qualify for 11 or 12 races after that, despite every corporation in the world sponsoring him.
Ne surprised everybody by qualifying for a few races in the middle of this year, getting just one top ten finish. That is right. Just one. People like Jeff Gordon or Tony Stewart have something like 15 or 20.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Michael Waltrip likes to drink cow piss because it is one of his sponsors. He drank too much of it before a race. During the race, he wrecked Chuck Norris. Norris wasn't hurt at all, despite the fact his car hit the wall harder than Dale Earnhardt did, then blew up. Waltrip suffered a roundhouse kick to the balls, and his car became a mushroom cloud.