Not so Fairy Tales

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In a land far away, approximately 5200 fairymileyards — the equivalent of inches in human standards — was a castle. But this was no ordinary castle, for it was unique just like everything else in the universe. But this was unique in a unique kind of way, kind of like everything else in the universe, but not quite, for it was unique.

In question, this castle was no ordinary castle. It was the castle with a dragon. A dragon that did not hate it, but despised it. In other words, you could say this dragon hated the castle. His/her name was Bob. Judging from this, you could tell the dragon was a girl.

A fire-breathing girl. Dragon.

Anyway, in this faraway land, approximately 5200 fairymileyards, was a prince guy. He was prince-like, and acted like a male. He was brave and heroic. He had a sword. He killed dragons for breakfast and old people for lunch. He was obviously a good guy. You could even say that he was a protagonist. His name was Jack. Legend tells that he climbed a beanstalk and pissed off an angry giant just in time for lunchtime.

Jack was angry. You could tell by the constipated look he had. Jack was also constipated. The royal castle of uniqueness was unique in that it had no freaking toilet.

Jack needed to poo. But delaying for three weeks, it seemed as though he did not need to poo. But he did. And it so happened at this time, that a little girl went running through the forest.

In school, the first lesson is not to talk to strangers.

This little girl was uneducated. She did not go to school. She had clothes, however.

Her name was Robin Red Riding Hood. She was red and riding a hood.

Not really.

Chapter Next

Miss Red Riding Hood was running and uneducated. You could say she was running and uneducated.

This made her somewhat retarded. Retarded in the running and uneducated sense of retarded.

Then she met a wolf with nice glasses and a business suit, and he was late for work.

"I'm late for work! I'm late for — Hello, little girl, would you mind buying some coke?" He opened his transforming business suit which transformed into a trenchcoat, revealing packets and packets of drugs.

Drugs are not candy.

Miss Red Riding Hood liked candy, and she thought drugs were candy, so she bought some. See, this is why she couldn't afford to go to school, and hence was uneducated.

Running and uneducated. She was going to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother's name was Grandmother, for that was what she was always called. She had forgotten her name because her grand-daughter always called her Grandmother. Her best friend was a lumberjack.

Chapter Next Next

Prince Guy Jack needed to poo. So he travelled to the only place he knew he could go when he needed to poo: the 100 Acre Wood.

There he met Winnie the Poo, the toilet and business owner. Winnie the Poo sold toilets.

Prince Guy Jack had a large stash of money he stole from Peter Rabbit, in time for lunch. But he wasted it all on a grand toilet.

And at Grandmother's house, there was a lumberjack. Lumberjacks are not supposed to appear in fairy tales.

"Hello, Mr. Lumber Jack," said the little girl.

"Hello, little girl," said the lumberjack. He was holding a shiny blood-ridden axe, and he was trained in kung fu.

Chapter Final Part

Prince Guy Jack was about to poo, when a giant peach busted through the ground, along with a boy called James. From the way his carcass was all shredded, you could see that he had been dragged along. Everyone in the castle was killed, including the butler.

A werewolf approached. It was night, and he needed food. He ate grandmothers for nighttime. Grandmothers were becoming extinct, as they were being eaten lunch and night. He needed to change slowly to preserve the food chain. But tonight he had a craving. A craving for little girls' grandmothers who could not remember their names. But he also hated lumberjacks who had moustaches and were trained in the art of kung fu. Especially if they had mustaches.

He knocked on the door. A voice from inside cried out, "NOT BY THE HAIR ON MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN YOU ARE COMING IN! Not that I have a chin."

He took a puff from his inhaler and blew. Due to the reality of the situation, the blow did not even shake the house. He planted a bomb. And blew up everyone.

Everyone including the butler.

THE END.

Interviews with the Characters

The Wolf

Hi. I'm the wolf. Normally people would call me Mr. Wolf. Also, whenever they see me, they complain about their chin. I recommend Dr. Spock. He can treat your chin allergies and even perform surgeries for you. He's worked wonders for me, like fixing my tail. I'm almost like a Fantastic Mr. Fox. What do I like to do? Well, I used to eat pigs. That is, until I followed the art of Wise One Gundheria, and discovered that pigs are a sacred animal in the religion of Gunderianism. I vowed never to eat pigs again. I'm a vegan. But occasionally, I like to eat old women. They're tough and train the jaw, so they give you some mouth exercise.

The Little Girl

Heeeeellllooooooo, I liiiikkkkeeee themmm candddieeessssssss......iiiii dooooont goooo tooo schoooolll, butttt onnceee in a whilleeee, I mmeeett this gguuuuy calllledddd Brreeeeeerrr Beeeear, anddddd heeee teeeeaccchhhheees mee -HIC- hoooow tttooo FisSHHhhhh....

The Lumberjack

Is it true that people hate my mustache? Well, I hate your mustache. I apologize if you don't have a mustache. Seriously, what's the big deal? It's just a mustache. It's not like a... nuclear development plan or something. Do those even exist? Well then, I mean it's not like... flying fish or anything. Do those exist too? Well...

The Prince Guy

I want to sue the architect who made that castle. Why? He left out one important room. The toilet. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO POO???? You don't see me unzipping my pants in the garden, do you? Especially since the castle faces the main road. You know what I have to do? Go poop in the forest. At least I help fertilize grass or something. Anyway, I have some pastimes. Occasionally, I like to save princesses. I mean, virtual ones, like in that plumber game where you jump on dinosaurs and stuff. What was it called? Ah yes, Merlin.

I also like to stab people!

The Pooh

I'm just here to sell toilets. It's a family business. Originated from Daddy the Poo, and Mommy the Pee. You can guess that my favourite game console is the Puu. Yup, I love playing games like Grand Theft Auto. I like to kill people. In my head. I would never do that in real life. It's so uncivilized, unlike selling toilet bowls and cleaning bathrooms. It's a money-making business, kind of like selling drugs.

James

"Piping hot anal leakage for 10$!"

Driver of the Giant Peach

I've got no time. Can't you see I'm on a schedule? Yeesh, who do you think I am, Batman?

The Buttler

As you can see, I'm one of the most common people to die. I die in every way. You know that giant peach thing, right? Like, how am I supposed to know it's coming? I don't have no sixth sense. I serve plates and make beds and clean toilets for a living. I don't do super cool stunts and flip around the place like fireflies... or that spider teenager with angst problems. I'm just a butler guy. Cut me some slack, and I'll cut you some... some fruit.

See also

• Fairytale Exposé