Super Mario

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Fear Mario's steroid induced rages. Ever noticed that, even though he is a plumber, he is hardly ever seen carrying a spanner?

“Ooh, gimme some of those mushrooms that make you grow. Hihihihi.”

“Let's pickle!”

~ Mario in Mario 64, according to voice recognition software

“It's Mario's world, we're just living in it”

~ Luigi Mario on Super Mario

Super Mario is a fat unemployed plumber, habitual drug user and all round bad egg. He is known throughout the Mushroom Kingdom, not for brave heroic acts of Princess-rescuing kindness, but for his cruelty and bad influence on children. According to the Guardian's Who's Who of The Mushroom Kingdom, He is 5 foot tall and weights 599,921 pounds, allowing him to destroy people by jumping on their heads. He is also known as the cousin of Mickey Mouse.

Delusions of grandeur[edit | edit source]

Mario believes himself to be superior to everybody else, or "super" as he terms it. He has little regard for anything and will ransack entire worlds, killing their innocent inhabitants, in search of money. He fantasizes about being powerful and having many sexual conquests with Princes Peach, but in reality he has only had sex with various animals in princess costumes, including flies, octopuses and spiders.

Mario the assassin[edit | edit source]

One of Mario's many delusions is that President Bowser of The Mushroom Kingdom (twice elected and beloved by all) is actually an evil tyrant. President Bowser has strenuously denied these claims, citing his charity work and donations to the poor as proof. To date Mario has attempted to assassinate the President thirty seven times and each time has eluded capture by escaping into the sewage pipe system. For substanance in the sewers he resorts to eating mushrooms that grow off of Rainbow Dash's beautiful (not really? I dunno…) rainbow sweat. Although Bowser smells like artichokes and fucking thinks he has a shot with a princess when he is a turtle with spikes welllll he sucks!

Sorry folks![edit | edit source]

it looks like the so called Super Mario interrupted your regular viewing and added that last sentence. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Mario's warped world[edit | edit source]

In Mario land (it isn't really called that but Mario likes to anyway), he does not care much for other living creatures, except for strange living toadstools. Mario "thinks" he sees them when in fact it is just the magic mushrooms that make them appear. !ꙅiʜƚ bɒɘɿ ᴎɒɔ ʏɘʜƚ ƚɘd i ,ƚɒʜƚ ɘʞi| ǫᴎi|ɘɘᎸ ƚuo ǫᴎɒʜ ʏɘʜƚ ᴎɘʜw ,iǫiulɒW bᴎɒ ʏꙅiɒᗡ ,miʜ ƚɘd I bᴎA

Things he beats up[edit | edit source]

  • Random Turtles that wander about, minding their own business. They are colour coded according to flavour, purple being particularly tasty.
  • Chestnuts with googly eyes. No one knows how or why he does this, all we are able to assume is it is because of the mushrooms he is consuming.

Things he saves[edit | edit source]

A girl, some stupid bigheads and the whales, 🐋🐳 but not Wales.

“He also saves his Playstation games to USB, illegally I may add!”

~ Sega spokesperson

Eyewitness accounts[edit | edit source]

Artist's sketch of what appears to be Mario engaging in a back-alley mushroom trade.

“He goes bubububi! and grows, shouts his name "Super Mariooooooo!" Then he shrinks and saves Princess Peach from Dr. Eggman before fighting Sonic to "ze def".”

~ Demented turtle ragging on Mazza

“He likes going down tubes.”

Oooohhh...[edit | edit source]

Dun dun dun du dun dun dun diddle iddle di da di da du di dum.
Di di di di di di di, diddle iddle di da dee da doo diddum.

Duuw duuw duuw![edit | edit source]

Didi didi didi.
Didi didi didi.
Diddlidun dun dun dun dun dun dududududududududun.

Bow! Bow! Bow!

Repeat a Brazilian times.

External links[edit | edit source]

Kings and Queens
Hey, you frog-wielding sword-toed poo-slinging timers! Here are the kings and queens:
WilliamSuper MarioThe King of EnglandKing Friday XIIIKing Henry VIIIKing of all WikipediaRaggle Fraggle KingDrew the blindsGaius Julius Caesar Octavianus Tiberius Claudius Nero Caligula Rufus Romanum IIIQueen VictoriaThe QueenQueen