Punch wired

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Punch wired is a medical condition.

What it does[edit]

When someone is punch wired, tiny microorganisms (quite a long word for something smaller than a pinhead, dontcha think?)in their blood stream seep through into their brain, immediately assuming control. Within a week or so the bacteria will have unattached the sufferer's nerves, reattaching them in the wrong places, therefore causing the person to have the symptoms listed below.


This, this is just a very fat man.
  • Short-term memory loss
  • Thinking about things that you were not trying to think about (like wanting to think about bananas and thinking about chairs instead).
  • Seeing through a place other than your eyes.
  • Hearing through a place other than your ears.
  • Throbbing eyes, throat, wrist, ears.
  • Swelling of the eyes, throat, ears.
  • In males the left ear is known to swell and become stiff around particularly attractive men/women.

How to identify it[edit]

about 5ft 3, straggly beard, dark eyes...

The condition is clearly labeled, you can see it a mile off. They even announce it on the freaking TV. A giant bactreia bearing the legend "will drop pants for moneyPUNCH WIRED DISEASE OUTLET" will come up to you, and ask you very nicely if you would like to get the disease. It's more blatant than a pink elephant against a green background. Come on people!

Despite this cases of Punch Wired are at a record high.

How do I get it?[edit]

Text "$$$ idiot" into 56737 to receive your free case of Punch Wired. Every 14th caller gets the terminal edition! though text now because stocks are limited.


Since prevention is better than cure the government decided not to bother manufacturing one.

Yup that's it!

Antidote recipe[edit]

Well, if you really have to get rid of the disease, say if your prospective boy/girl/animal-friend is hinting that they'd like to engage in the act of sexual relations without the nasty STI side affect that Punch Wired brings, then there is an antidote.

You will need:[edit]

  • Deluded vinegar
  • Wet wipe
  • Germs/microbes (nothing bodily, just household stuff)
  • Needle (no not a sewing one, you dimwit!)
  • (Gay)Pr0nz (it takes a while to work, and you might as well use that time effectively)


  1. Use the wet wipe to clean up after the pr0nz is utilised.
  2. Mix together the germs and vinegar in a bowl.
  3. Glance at the pr0nz longingly as you busy yourself with the task at hand.
  4. Put the germ-vinegar mixture into the needle.
  5. Have your mother come into the room (most of the time by accident) to find you butt naked, clutching the pr0nz.
  6. Throw the whole mix down the sink and contact your local GP.

You're cured![edit]

Or at least you should be, maybe you didn't do it right, 2 week guarantee no refunds.