Rudolf Vansheiken
“Picasso experienced many Periods.”
Rudolf Vansheiken was born in a German basement from unknown parents. Technically he didn't need to have parents.... after all he was a Lego. Vansheiken had a red nose because the child accidentally colored his nose red while drawing a picture of a curb-stomped gorilla. Rudolf began to love war and killing at an early age. He shot his first American Lego at the age of three minutes and 23 seconds. He destroyed everything in sight. Similar to his friend Frosty The Snowman when he put his special hat on he would begin to dance around. In Rudolf's case.... dancing meant killing.
The war[edit | edit source]
In the great war of 1679 in the basement of a person from Berlin Rudolf was a General. The lego Germans were fighting along side the starwars action figures and the Legolas action figure (before he lost his hand) against the mighty ALBERT FLUFFFEMS!!!! Albert Fluffems was the cat of the family. This was no ordinary cat.. this cat was big, mean and fat, and looked like a cow. The beast bit off many lego figures' heads and limbs. Among the only survivors were Legolas and Rudolf.
The brutal journey[edit | edit source]
The duo left the basement never to return to the cat. They needed to head north.... where they would find less civilization, and no civilization means no cats. or so they think.... On their way north they encountered the ABOMINABLE SNOW MAN!!! Legolas knew this meant certain death because the ABOMINABLE SNOW MAN hadn't seen Herby the Christmas elf dentist.... but that's another story. Legolas being the smart guy he is... ran far away never to see Rudolf again. Rudolf was cornered... he had nowhere to go.... so he was eaten by the ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN. This snowman is no smart snowman like Frosty, THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN forgot to chew Rudolf. Sure Rudolf would be dissolved by acids.... but noooo..... there are no acids in snowmen. Rudolf was pooped out at the north pole unharmed.
The horrible sight of Santa on unspecified drugs. (Peppermint?)[edit | edit source]
One day when Santa was taking his daily peppermint drugs(?) when he came across the confused Rudolf. Rudolf was dragged off to the north pole when Santa mistook Rudolf for a reindeer. At the time Mrs. Clause was extremely nice to Santa and he got what ever he wanted. Mrs. Clause was beat by her husband whenever he was displeased or drunk. The elves had recently made Santa a reindeer maker. You put anything in... and it comes out as a deer! Mrs. Clause stuffed Rudolf in the reindeer machine and he came out a deer! The only thing that stayed the same was the red nose. Santa was pleased and didn't beat up Mrs. Clause. That goes to tell you kids.... DON'T SNIFF PEPPERMINT!
The life of Rudolf as a reindeer[edit | edit source]
The stories of Rudolf being made fun for his nose are incorrect. They didn't mock him for the red nose... they mocked him for being German. But you know Rudolf.... he just killed them!!! One foggy Christmas Rudolf threatened Santa to let him drive the sleigh or he would slay him. Santa agreed but that night Rudolf killed Santa after he delivered the gifts. After Santa died he had a black Santa to replace him! But Santa II is lean and can't say HO HO HO! what kind of Santa can't say HO HO HO?
Current life[edit | edit source]
Rudolf lives alone on a mountain in the Andes. No one has seen him since 1978 when he was seen selling hotdogs at a football game. Rudolf has been forgotten about.... and no one cares about him.