“Oh, snarf it all.”
- 1 Chapter 1: History
- 2 And because no one really cares...
- 3 Chapter 3: All illogic set aside...
- 4 Chapter 4: Indeed.
- 5 Chapter 4.80: On an alien ship, 200 light years from Earth
- 6 Chapter 5: Nice Dream.
- 7 Chapter 6: Men Who Snarf
- 8 Chapter 7: Under Construction
- 9 Chapter 8: Nope.
- 10 Chapter 9: The Aspirin Paradox
Chapter 1: History
Reverend Zim_ulator was stumbling through the piles of forums one day, when all of the sudden, he found Forum:335th person to edit wins. In it, he spoke his usual bickering of total nonsense, when all of the sudden, he utters a now sacred and profoundly revered word: "Snarf."
The earth trembled and shook. Fire and brimstone emerged from the earth's crust, and lightning and thunder shook and lit the darkening skies. Your mom, upon emerging from the bathroom after enduring her "monthly gift from Mother Nature", said, "Show me, love; who's got your hand on the button, love?" You look at your right hand, and then you and your mother reali(s/z)e that it's not someone bending your will and forcing you to pit your hand on the button. It was your decision after all.
Oh, snarf it all. Yeah, I pushed the button, and everything is my fault, but really, I don't care.
Chapter 2: Leave it to The Doctor!
Yes, the one and only Doctor is the only one left in teh yooneeverss to save this snarfy day! If only that damned police box would finally appear in an undesirable location...
Gloria, he has finally arrived! I sure hope he wasn't screwin' around with whatever "female travel companion" he's with now.
The Doctor steps out.
Oh, you're just in thyme, Doc-tah! If we don't act quickly, this planet-
Out of my damned way. This planet has reached its inevitable end, anyway, so why should I bother now!?
'EARTH IS GOING TO DIE. DON'T YOU GET IT!? THIS IS THE ONE TIME I CAN'T SAVE YOU CONNIVING AND UNGRATEFUL LOT! NOW STEP OUT OF MY WAY!!!
Doctor walks into a Starbucks.
What can I get you on this fine apocalypse?
Erm, yes, I would like a soy caramel macchiato with an extra shot of vanilla, whipped cream, and a chocolate drizzle.
That'll be free of charge. Enjoy your apocalyptic day!
And because no one really cares...
We'll just skip the part were the earth implodes and creates a black hole that swallows the entire solar system in, like, 2 seconds. Moving on, Lucy found herself underground, in a bunker, in an alternate dimension. Because why not? The Snarfs have altered our way 'o' thought, so WHY NAWT!? Why don't you just take our central societal idealism and throw it in the flames!?
'Cause then people'll say that they'd rather die than to be with another goddamned human being! OH THE HUMANITEH!!!
Chapter 3: All illogic set aside...
Snarf is just a word.
“I will now curl into a fetal position and wait until the volcano in my backyard gets bigger and erupts. Only then will I be at peace with my snarfitude.”
You've just been snarfed.
Chapter 4: Indeed.
What was the snarf to this snarf? HUMANITAH!!!!
Reverend Zim_ulator, reduced to his former dairy-farmer self, would not risk his life upon using the word 'snarf' to destroy all enemies. Soon the war of the sentient pear peach poodles began to take over him, and soon the illogicalism shouted, 'Snarf!' The word had reawakened its power. A tsunami engulfed West Africa and caused small earthquakes in Iran. The world emerged again. When...
Out of a crack in the Earth, the spiritual High Celestial Hindleyite appeared. He shouted 'NOW WHERE IS MY BRAIN MEDICATION?! SNARF!!!' And with that, Zim was reduced to the flames of the dark valley. Everything was disappearing. Was it the Apocalypse? The sentient pears took over the world that day. THE WORLD SHALL END! AND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE OF ONE WORD UTTERED!!!! THE HUE-MANATEE!!!! NOTHING IS LEFT!!!!! It indeed was the Apocalypse. There was nothing more to do that day.
Chapter 4.80: On an alien ship, 200 light years from Earth
Reverend Zim_ulator awoke, half confused, half enlightened. 'Now where am I?' he pondered. 'Something to do with the coefficient of the memes and position in space of the Filipino cat monkey save buttons, but I still don't know.' Soon, an alien whizzed by. Ten feet tall, on stilts. He whispered to nobody, 'Snarf.' But the word had no power, for this was alien space, and the Royal Snarf could only change human behaviour. Or could it?
He stood up. Where was he? Mattresses, cargo, huge pencils about 5 feet long, batteries the same size, a smelling of rose and hyacinth perfumery, a few computers scattered about, and he was in a sleeping bag labelled, 'FINE THANK YOU MINUS 5 DEGREES SLEEPING CONDITION: Size 1.9m x 80cm x 14cm'. He partook of no hot dog buns, then moved. He moved through a carriage, past a door marked 'FREIGHT 26 - DO NOT DISPOSE', finally after about 45 minutes walking, he came to the back of the ship. 'SHIP CONTROL - ANTI SERVICE' it said. He opened the door and in the centre of it all, was a huge engine about three metres tall marked, 'ANTI-SNARF ENGINE'. So that was it. They were on a spaceship! The snarf didn't work because that was the engine preventing the power of the Snarf! As he walked back through the periodic centre, he moved through a gate marked 'Pope', another marked 'Level 3', another marked 'Hot dog vending machine'. OK. Hot dogs? But no buns, and no sauce. He ate one or two, because he was so hungry. After walking through Level 3, he went up a staircase to Level 4. A door on the right marked 'Gemstones' was locked. After 50 or so flights of stairs, he came to the command bridge, where levels of snarfs were watching him. Yep. That's it. Thanks!
OR IS IT???
Nose! 'Tis be the end of a mere chapter, not the story!
Chapter 5: Nice Dream.
(It appears the reverend has been roused from his sleep. How shall we proceed?)
(Insert a fabricated memory in his subconscious involving a scenario where he had been partying excessively the previous night.)
(What about his nightmare?)
(He will perceive it as a nightmare and forget about it. Besides, how would any normal human being convince him or herself that there is a large colony of snarfs living inside a spaceship in his head?)
(I see. Okay then; inserting memory...)
Jesus H. Christ! That was one batshit crazy dream! What did I do last night?
Wait... what did I do last night?
(What is happening!?)
(It's the Sjinks! They've taken over everything!)
(HOW WERE THEY ABLE TO SABOTAGE OUR CONTROL OVER THE REVEREND!?)
(What!? Who is this?)
[It's you're grandfather from the afterlife dropping by to say hi. WE'RE THE SJINKS!]
(Impossible! We defeated you in the War of Illogia and sent your remaining people into a black hole eons ago!)
[O RLY??? CUZ IF THAT'S THE CASE, THEN WHY ARE WE TALKING TO YOU??? MAYBE IT WASN'T A BLACK HOLE THAT YOU THREW US IN???]
(I've always abhorred your people's immature and sarcastic manner of communication. Why can't you just be courteous and ethical like-)
[Yeah yeah yeah critici(s/z)e my people and what not.]
(Point proven. Now, it would be in both our best interests that you-)
[At least we're not always denying everything and giving false hope and pretending to like things just to be nice and telling little white lies and stressing over our personal appearance and drinking tea at a specific time everyday and-]
[-short tempered. Point proven.]
How much White Widow do I have left? I need to get my mind off of this...
(Your people have stopped at nothing in trying to exploit us! There is nothing to exploit about us Snarfs!)
[Then why would we even be trying that hard in exposing you if you say that there's nothing to expose about you?]
[I thought so.]
Chapter 6: Men Who Snarf
Suddenly the light turned on. All anyone could think about, was 'Where... am... I... Sausages and pork pie?!'
A pair of oddly dressed little weasel-like creatures spoke in a deep voice. 'We are the fnurdles. We have come for our society. The Fnurdles and the Sjinks and the Snarfs used to live in harmony. But not anymore. You deep humanity have caused a rend in the thought between us illogical races. I remember teh old days - we used to snarf and fnurdle about deep underground, spreading bananas and cheese through the caverns. But you humans adapted cheese, we were broken apart, and the sharing and love turned into fighting and hate.'
Soon, six more fnurdles appeared. They chattered for a while, then all went dark. Again?! Is this a dream? What a dream it is! Soon, red-painted creatures that looked like small birds and could fly quickly, emerged. 'We are the sjinks. We used to sjink about in the tunnels in the midst of the bird trees, flies, and mobile devices. But then the save buttons watered the shoelace files and we were torn. The humans developed a society, much after we did. They explored underground. They saw us, and we were enslaved to work in the coal mines. It was so unfair. But life has changed since then.' And ten minutes passed. A sudden iguana uttered one earth-shattering word: 'Snarf'.
All was quiet. Edit conflicts stopped. The apple pie was wonderful. The ship, cracked in the hull, was breached on Level 26. Yep.
Chapter 7: Under Construction
The Snarfites watched as snarfism destroyed the Snarfs. The law decreed wonder to amaze. The Impression Law was set forth. From that day onward, it would be illegal to say the word 'Snarf'. Because snarfing had destroyed many worlds altogether. And Wikipedia saw nothing.
Chapter 8: Nope.
Chapter 9: The Aspirin Paradox
Immediately, Hindley arrives. He takes an Advil.