Snob

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To be confused with a hipster.

Ever wondered why there is this omnipresent global instability that continually surrounds us? Why there is the constant slaughter of plants and human beings? Why Miley Cyrus turned into the abomination she is today? Why Donald Trump has successfully proven his immeasurable stupidity by running for and successfully becoming president? Why you want this article to get to the point already? Why we can't nose the cheese anymore? Why this article still hasn't made its point by asking these monotonous questions?

I'm telling you...

Snobs, that's what!

Everywhere and anywhere you look, there is bound to be a snob within your vicinity!

They are the reason for the War of Illogia! They are the reason behind your grandmother's hemorrhoids! They are the reason behind your premature birth! They are the reason behind your inordinate amounts of dough! They are the reason behind everything bad in this world!

How to Spot a Snob[edit]

They govern our nations!

There is a grand myriad of ways you can spot a snob, but to make your snob-searching skills effective, the methods have been narrowed down to specifics.

From a distance[edit]

If the snob is a female: She should be wearing either skin-tight joggers/leggings or a pair of Lucky Jeans. She should not be wearing any kind of watch at all, as she relies on her smartphone for telling her time. From there on, she should also have on either extremely expensive yet bland clothing or reasonably priced yet flamboyantly colorful clothing that will hurt your eyes. She will also have Bose earbuds, either moccasins or sandals, and brightly painted nails.

If the snob is a male: He should either have an extremely clean-shaven face or overly maintained facial hair that looks exactly the same way it did in a picture from 2007. Should also have regularly shined leather shoes from a prestigious and unheard of brand, a huge and expensive watch, the absolute latest smartphone, cargo pants or shorts, hands without any callouses, expensive flannels or dress shirts, and a small dog.

From close-up[edit]

Both sexes will talk in an extremely condescending or sarcastic tone, implying that they do not have time for you or anybody else. They also breathe very lightly, and they pay with some app from their smartphones. And the overly expensive perfume/cologne that lingers 2 hours after they leave...

Where They Are Centrally Located[edit]

  • Los Angeles, especially within the suburbs of Burbank, Glendale, Hollywood, Beverly Hills, Bel Air, Mission Hills, Long Beach, and Downtown.
  • New York, except the Bronx.
  • Right behind you

How To Get Rid Of a Snob[edit]

Easy. Just wave $3000 in their face with the added offer of a wireless headset and a Starbucks gift card and you're good to go!