Telepaths under the bed

Telepaths under the bed are similar to communists under the bed but far more dangerous. While communists threaten to spread their evil ideology everywhere and make your television sit around and get fat watching you, telepaths read your innermost thoughts, make you see things you can't unsee, and possibly even steal your food.

The telepaths in question are not necessarily underneath a literal bed. They may be found (or not found, as the case may be) in any suitable hiding place in your house: in the closet, under the sink, maybe in the fridge. If they are shapeshifters, which they sometimes are, the range of hiding places is much wider. In fact, they don't even have to be inside your house to be a problem for you. They do often hide in people's houses, however, because they are very naughty.

They may also steal your sheep.

How to determine if you have this problem

Finding telepaths under your bed is fairly difficult, since they know exactly what you are doing and take action to thwart you. Simply looking in a certain area is unlikely to turn one up; they are also known to become invisible. Instead you must look for more subtle signs. The official story is that this never happens, so it is hard to come by any information on the subject outside of alternative sources.

If you notice any of the following, your house may have been invaded:

• A feeling that you are being watched
• Food disappearing from your fridge
• Inexplicable noises, especially at night
• Piles of clothes and/or dirt on the floor that you don't remember putting there

Duplicates of existing objects are a special case, as they indicate shapeshifters. In particular, if you seem to suddenly have more than one of a towel or a food item, do not use them. You are exposing yourself to the risk of mind control or telepath cooties. Instead the appropriate steps must be taken to deal with the items, as detailed below.

What to do about it

Discovering this problem is only half the battle. You are strongly advised to not attempt to simply dispose of the invaders, as you will probably be charged with a hate crime. Only try this if you can make it look like an accident. A favourite is to set one's house on fire, which also enables you to collect the insurance money.

Instead you should try to drive them away. There are several possible methods for this, and they vary in effectiveness.

• Stock your fridge entirely with garlic and/or chocolate. Garlic repels them, especially the ones that are also vampires, and chocolate is toxic to them because they are part dog. This will at least make them not steal food out of it. They probably won't be stupid enough to actually eat the chocolate, but if they are that's a plus. If you find it hard to acquire sensible meals now, you can eat out or at a friend's house. There are also many appetising dishes that can be made with only garlic and chocolate, but they are beyond the scope of this article.
• Put piles of rice in a trail leading out of the house. They will be compelled to count all the rice and thus will end up going outside. Unfortunately they may come back in. Putting a short fence around the house can sometimes deter them.
• Think really nasty thoughts all the time. Be careful what kind of thoughts you use for this; if you do it wrong you may be charged with thoughtcrime.

In the case of duplicate objects, you are advised to incinerate both copies, as it is impossible to tell which is which. If you hear screams during this process, it is a sure sign that you made the right choice, but this does not always occur.

Donald Trump promised to solve the telepath problem by deporting them to Mexico and building a wall to keep them from getting back in, but so far he has not done so. Ordinary citizens must pick up the slack for themselves and their country.

But why are they in my house?

It's what they do.

Disclaimer

This article has not been approved by the FDA and does not constitute legal or medical advice. The authors are not to be held liable for the results of acting on the information provided here. Don't even think about suing us.