That thing in the middle of your face
That thing in the middle of your face is an interesting phenomenon where scientists theorize that near, but not directly in the center of every human face exists a mysterious hollowed protrusion.
It's existence has been speculated and debated for many years as it is not possible for one to see one's own protrusion, making it an extremely difficult concept to grasp. Many report seeing an odd, ghostlike object hovering in the foreground when looking into the lower corners of the eye, but evidence suggests that this is simply the result of staring directly at the sun for longer than the recommended two hours daily. Several cases have been found where the subjects in question have supposedly "Seen their own face in full view and verified the existence of a centrally-located protrusion". Unfortunately, when asked to elaborate on what they saw, they revealed that the had been lying and told us to stop writing about it because there was no reason to start writing about it in the first place. (damn...)
A History of it[edit | edit source]
Though it has been used as a symbol in art and religion for many years (more on that later), the idea of the protrusion existing on the face of every person was first suggested by Dr. Richard Pickton, who documented his research in his world famous book: Discoveries: An Expedition Into the Deep, Dark Abyss of Knowledge and How I Escaped With My Life. An excerpt from the book follows:
- "...The remnants of the scrolls were damp, crusty and swollen like a fine cheesecake. Had my assistant not reminded me that they were smeared with bat poo I would've eaten them on the spot, so delicious they looked. I saved those thoughts for later and focused as now I and the crew had to find our way out of this damned cave. We searched our area, poking at the surrounding crevices, lightly dusting the moistened walls for any sign of an exit-- when suddenly, a mighty gust of wind a thousand feet tall, a thousand miles wide, wider than any gust of wind you've ever measured expelled us from the cave along with all the bat poo... Once they were cleaned, I analyzed one of the ancient scrolls under a microscope. They told of a fantastical place; a giant mountain dominated by two massive caves. Deep inside rested several ancient scrolls which, once found and removed, claimed they would put an end to humanity's struggle with clogged air passages. I tried to read beyond that but the words were suddenly cut off by several arced cuts and smeared with what appeared to be my own saliva. "Curse my unrelenting hunger for ancient artifacts!" I thought to myself. I must've eaten it when I wasn't looking! I knew I had to find this place, but where? then an idea struck me... 'OWW!' I said. 'You hurt my eye!'..."
Dr. Pickton goes on to propose his hypothesis that the mountain was not in fact a mountain, but simply something in the middle of every face that appears to be a mountain when compared to smaller objects, such as a pen or a finger [1]. This idea was considered radical by his colleagues, who bombarded him with criticisms upon the publication of this theory.
Unswayed by their arguments, Pickton continued his research which resulted in a series of eye injuries, and ultimately, failure.
The research ended after Dr. Pickton was shot 15 times in the face due to unknown causes. He died peacefully in his sleep face down in a dirty alley choking on his own blood. In 1884, He was posthumously awarded the Nobel Prize for being really radical.
The theory of that thing in the middle of your face vs. unicorns are real[edit | edit source]
That thing in the middle of your face has also been used as an alternative to the much more popular "Unicorns are real" theory to explain the strange sudden appearance of mind-controlling unicorn goop on the upper lips of humans[2]. It is believed that elves, being much smaller than unicorns and possibly having the ability to turn themselves invisible, are being hired by unicorns to plant the mind-controlling goop on humans making this the first time in history that the elves and unicorns have successfully cooperated in their efforts to enslave humanity. Unicorn authorities have yet to release any comments on this story.
What are they, chickens?
No, they're unicorns.
And they are our masters.
An alternative to that theory is the theory of that thing in the middle of your face.
That thing in the middle of your face in art[edit | edit source]
That thing in the middle of your face has appeared in many great works of art from the ancient Mesomanamatans to the ultra-modern aardvark-gourd.[3] Often, it has been used to represent godliness, or a level of coolness beyond that of mere humans. (less on this before) The earliest, and arguably the most famous image containing what we can only assume is some protrusion in the middle of a face was a cave painting discovered in 1923 a.d. by Dr. Charles Wipington. It portrays a group of cavemen hunting ants with what appears to be a protrusion on the face of a giant lizard in the leftground, suggesting that this is not simply a lizard, but a lizard-god, watching over the early humans and going on beer runs when they ran low.
The ancient Greeks gave protrusions to several deities, most notably the titan Joe. When the Romans adopted Joe, they removed the protrusion describing it as a "Vulgar, primitive interpretation of an otherwise cool dude. The Unicorns are our masters. We must please our Unicorn overlords." and was thus removed from the knowledge of the majority of the western world.
That thing in the middle of your face was reintroduced into art in 1612 by renaissance painter and historian Pepperoni Pizzarini when he discovered ancient Greek pottery containing the protrusion on one of his many expeditions to the local Greek pottery shop.
After Dr. Pickton's landmark discoveries, that thing in the middle of your face saw an even greater resurgence in the art world, some artists even dedicating their whole lives to sometimes drawing it.
Variations on the theory[edit | edit source]
Contrary to popular understanding of his work, several scientist contend that Dr. Pickton conducted much of his research in another dimension, and that this "thing in the middle of your face" exists only in the dimension Dr. Pickton was residing in at the time, citing his work: I'm A Trans-Dimensional Being.
Others contend that we all, in fact, share one universal thing in the middle of our face and we are all simply attached to a distinct, separate part of it, while still others argue that Dr. Pickton had not researched that thing in the middle of your face, but instead spent his time researching that thing in the middle of your pants.
Either way, he sure spent a lot of time researching it.