The Book of Hindley/Chapters 1-4
CHAPTER 1: BAKLAVA WITH A CUP OF TEA[edit | edit source]
We are the Hindleyites.
We lack description
or
you
might say
we are not
one
but rather
we are all
We follow
the teachings of
the Great Prophet
Hindleyite
who resides
here.
Frequently we talk
In haiku, we do this for
Secret messages
And how we might some day be able to see the full picture[edit | edit source]
- Letter to the Editor
- 'The Bingorwan Times'
- Of Hindley, 2015 AD. (1 SHC)
- Written by
- Father ChromoBond of Hindleyism
- & Archbishop SucksAtMath of Hindley
But so then - I saw - this thing - It was a big floppy pointy hand, you know that thing, looks like a hand, pointing its second finger at me! Was it God? Am I dead? Noooo! I'm too young to die! But then it spoke. I almost fainted. It said, 'Ahh... my head hurts. Fetch me the brian medicine'. Brain medicine? Did he mean that? OK then. So I went to my medicine cabinet, and gave him some Advil. Immediately he appeared as a man. Caucasian-looking, dark hair, blue eyes, about 5'4". He said. "Watch. I am the Great Hindleyite of Hindley. A prophet. And I have two words for you. Horr, plagiarism!" And he carried a book. It was the book of Hindley.
- The Editor Answers Back!
I'm sorry? Am I drunk? Were you drunk? Were you on drugs? Did you really see that? You're having hallucinations.
So nobody trusted me, for a while. But then I saw something else. It was that guy again! Hindleyite! Or Hind-el-yite, as I will say it fnord. He said he wasn't actually a deity, but a prophet. But he manifests as a deity to us mere mortals. But then again he manifests as a human to higher deities, such as the Supreme Mink, the Cumin Seed and the Supreme Ruler of Johnstick de Great.
Why else?[edit | edit source]
So I went to bed. That was weird. Hindleyite? Hind-el-yite? Did I fnord see that? Maybe the editor was right. I am having hallucinations.
The next day, I woke up. It was weird. Some man I saw in a cafe sipping a flat white as he listens to awkward whale music. He was Hindleyite? No. He couldn't have been. Just in case he was, he had a box of mints and I had the brian medicine. Brian? His servant? Not his vital organ? Milk! In fact, Korean milk. All I could see was that.
Songs[edit | edit source]
And I saw another man. Was he Hindley, or merely a Hind-el-yite? I couldn't tell who fnord he was. I carried a hexagonal dinner plate with me. On it was a pear. The Pear of Hindley. It was infused with Advil, so you couldn't eat it. Would you try? But the pear was reddish-yellow in appearance, it had a long stalk. All signs of a pear. Suddenly another voice spoke. A mink. A mink, in the sky?! I am having hallucinations. So fnord annoying! And he trus spake, "I am being, being that great Supreme Mink. All suprem-ity, stands below me. You are an adherent of Hindley, I take it true? But he adheres to me, appearing only as a man. Caucasian-looking, dark hair, blue eyes, about 5'4"." He even matched my description: the mink.
The mink song[edit | edit source]
- Krung-thep-maha-na-khon, mu-ste-li-di-a
- Less or more or more or less, live in fear
- Does that rhyme? We'll have not the time
- To discuss rhymes
- But aren't the times
- Such limes?
- You see
- A-mon-rat-ta-na-ko-sin, ka ko-sin, mink mink
- Ferret ferret, ma-hin-tha-ra-yut-tha-ya
- Weasel words
- But aren't the fellows
- Such lemons?
- I see
- Ma-ha-di-lok ka phop nopp ha-ra, stoat stoat
- Ka stoat ma rat-rat-cha-tha-ni eh bu-ri-rom
- U-don, u-don
- But aren't the ostriches
- Such oranges?
- We see
- Rat-cha-ni wes-ma-ha-sa than than, less, less than
- More of less amon-phi-ma-na-wa tan-sa-thit
- Sakka-tha ttiya
- But isn't life
- Like a citrus fruit?
- Sing with me
- Wit-sa-nu kam-pra-sit
- Sit sit, with a ferret
- And now... our song... is done!
Di Myryr[edit | edit source]
If a man studied Zen, then the images he saw weren't true. Only his mind moved.
It is then that the man starts trying to make sense of what the subconscious half of his brain is perceiving and how it differs in any manner as to what the fully conscious half is perceiving amidst the mind-moving reality before him.
In a mad effort to relive the intense brain pains brought upon him by the shifting reality, he rushed to the nearest pharmacy and stood before the aspirin aisle.
Advil? Aleve? Alka-Seltzer? Tylenol? These fascists have so many different ones... which one could I possibly choose?
HEARKEN, WAYFARER OF THE ASPIRIN AISLE, FOR I, THE GREAT HINDLEYITE OF HINDLEY, HATH SPOKEN UNTO THEE!!!
Art thou the manager here? Because I would like to file a formal complaint about your carrying so many different brands of aspirin!
NOSE!
Nose? What about my nose - no, I do not have a cold, nor do I have allergies. I have only come here for some aspirin, not because I am ill.
SILENCE, PERSISTENT ONE! PERHAPS YOU HAVE NOT HEARD MINE WORDS OR YOU ARE AN OLD MAN IN THE FLESH OF A YOUNG ONE, FOR I, THE GREAT HINDLEYITE OF HINDLEYITE, HATH FOUND GREAT FAVOR IN THEE!!!
Um, okay. What do you want me to do?
Can you pass me 5 boxes of Aleve, please? My brian hurts.
Is this what I get for studying Zen!? Alright then... here ya go!
Thanks. I'll see you later, m'kay?
S-Sure...
Oh, and you are now officially a Hindleyite. That'll be 15 Gratings a month if you wanna stay a Hindleyite. Bye!
...
I need a lobotomy.
The Calendar[edit | edit source]
This notifies you of the Hindleyite calendar, the Hindleyite calendar consists of 360 days (30 x 12). The months are:
- Sandwich
- Rhinoceros
- Demigod
- Aspirin
- Cratheya
- Mustelid
- Pervious
- Possible
- Minority
- Subtlety
- Poplar Tree
- Endyear
- The five 'Aztec Days' in between Mustelid and Pervious. Basically just a public hollyday.
The beginning of the Hindleyite year is 7th of April, when the Great Hindleyite of Hindley first revealed himself to the father ChromoBond.
The Eeble Sonk Cabal: On the third day...[edit | edit source]
'You should never aim to contradict a man carrying aspirin. One, he's having a bad headache. Two. He's the Great Hindleyite of Hindley'.
I fetch the brain medication. Bavarian cats.
BrainOn. Apply directly to the neocortex.
Tcheta dhi tcheu nous omelette[edit | edit source]
I loved that omelette. I gave it 7.8 out of 10: TOO MUCH EGG.
What Archbishop SucksAtMath said[edit | edit source]
Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro Figaro...
FIGARO!!!
I am enlightened... Or is it my mix of weed and LSD...
Wait... I don't remember the last time I saw a random white guy descending from the heavens in this neighborhood-
HOLY F*** IT'S HINDLEYITE¡¿¡¿¿!?!?¿¿¿!?!? Oh my Hindleyite it is.
Herro. I am Archbishop SucksAtMath, and you've just been fink'd.
Before the Great Middle Finger of Hindleyite offensively flicked at my face, I was once a grated cheese warrior. No one dared challenge me. But, people started to notice me and call me "senpai." Attention got the best of me, and before I knew it, Hindleyite noticed me.
Nous vois de avons fait il parce qu'il faut ne voir[edit | edit source]
Ah. Quelle faits-il de parce?
Parcels take so long to arrive, especially in Western Australia.
'If power's on your shopping list... then use the elbow and the fi...' (NO! DON'T FINISH THAT LINE!!)
ESTONIA! 'Pum-pummel em until thei get tha gist...' (WAH!)
'Just make an ex...' (will ignore) 'Puree hirveeta - Niilin hanhet!'
'Representing the repre-repre-representative representation of the sample o' (' No such luck')
Save your references for a rainy day! As Archbishop SucksAtMath says, 'Darpadarpdarp! Snarf'.
CHAPTER 2: NEW MONACO, NEW FRANCE, NEW ITALY[edit | edit source]
- I speak in haiku
- I will speak haiku again
- Doing it right now
- Is that fine you think?
- I need some more ideas
- For Hindleyism
For Monaco was a great land. But now there is a new monaco. So it is called New Monaco!
On the 26th of Demigod the Wigglers came down. All was good. Or good-ing. The Ings came down too. It was important that they took aspirin, for they were not Hindleyites otherwise. Monaco! The Wigglers descended to Monaco, then destroying and eroding the soil in the process. So that was it all. And nothing else. The Land-ing was full of Ings. The Ings moved to Monaco. So the Wigglers moved to Italy, that was it. On the 27th of Demigod, the great Hindleyite of Hindley said, 'Why not?'
Ouch, I put a lampshade on everything! Everything! Men! Fellows! Userboxes! Argh. Italian sharks, Italian sharks. But why?
Ma kardan, et te ei saa aru midagi, et ma üritan öelda. Kuna ma olen nüüd räägib teist keelt, et keegi sellel näitusel ([heli puruneva klaasi]) mõistab. Kas sa? Või saate mitte? Loodame, et see on viimane ...
The song[edit | edit source]
So Jonathan del Sumber after speaking for a while in Estonian, sings this song...
- It's a song, It's a song, It's a song
- And you sing, and you sing along
- It repeats, it repeats, it repeats
- Meerkats!
- This song doesn't rhyme?
- I'd do it myself but I haven't the time
Oh! Come on! I'm a poet and I... was not aware of it previously! Argh.
Men! Fellows! That joke's done. Anyway the next day a huge fan of Radiohead comes to the office. He says he's no good at maths, that's for sure. He rubbed wax on the office table and then on the shrine to Hindleyite. What? Today! I shout, we forgot to put the Advil to Hindleyite! He'll want us for this, he will! Indeed! Chicken pox! 9+10=21! That guy says he wants to be a Hindleyite. So we made him an Archbishop. That is, Archbishop SucksAtMath(s). Well that's it. At least for now. So Hindleyite remains appeased. At least for now. Well? Eeble. Sonk. Snarf.
Meebles! Meebles meebles! For great justice!
CHAPTER 3: THE BOWLING ALLEY[edit | edit source]
Aspirin in hand, Father ChromoBond shuffled to a local bowling alley. He discovered that the Advil he had purchased earlier was gone, from his pockets! And he never dropped it! He couldn't even complain - he just started bowling with the others. Soon, Archbishop SucksAtMath appeared on a giant TV screen, shouting 'O GREAT HINDLEYITE! For ONCE, you SHALL RETURN!' The staff of the alley looked bewildered, wondering 'No... I meant... music videos...' Suddenly, through burst the walls. A huge spirit rose over lane 17, 'OH. MY HEAD HURTS. FETCH THE BRAIN MEDICATION.' he cried. But his Aleve wasn't there anymore. That too was gone. So was my Advil. So I couldn't give him any medicine. And I told him so. Immediately, in revenge, two surrounding bowlers were immobilised! He looked in shock.
FOR I HAVE FROZEN YOUR FELLOW PLAYERS! THEY SHALL CONVERT TO HINDLEYISM! AND THEY SHALL PAY ME MY DAILY FEE!! That'd be forty-four pence and three gratings and three tablets per week. Nope, not a daily fee. Also, quit your listening of anything. EVERYTHING IS WRONG, SUCH AS DEVO HAVE SAID IN THEIR DOCUMENTARY, SOMETHING FOR EVERYBODY!
Fink.
Nothing is correct. Nothing is correct.Nothing is correct.Nothing is correct.(fig)Nothing is correct.
Wait a minute... fig?
CHAPTER 4: NOSE THE CHEESES![edit | edit source]
The scene played out on the night on December 27th, 1 BC at the Bethlehem Farmers Market:
Oh, you're looking for baby cheeses? I've got just the selection right here. Edam (points), Camembert (points)...
Or, the Hindleyite equivalent:
I want my Aleve back. Those fools replaced it with sugar pills. THEY SHALL DIE!!!!!!!!!! Wait... what?