The Candyman

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The Candyman is a cartoonish person of hatred and sugar in it's purest of pure forms. To free him from his 70's mind set a unique untested evil torture was used involving candy, sugar and nasal food colouring. For a final sinister touch his favourite childhood space hopper was popped right in front of him; The asylum was found burned down five minutes after this.

Fortunately this freed him from his 70's mindset but turned him very angry and slightly insane, but who cares 'cos we're all insane here on illogicopedia. (I'd TYPE faster but this straight jacket means I have to type with my tongue).



  • An unecessarily large, solid Candy Cane.
  • A sinister laugh.
  • Poorly made candy.


  • Healing
  • Putting in a good word for people
  • Nudity
  • World Peace
  • World peas

Most Noted Kills[edit]

  • Mr Whippy
  • Pacifistic objectors from Texas
  • A random corpse


Jamie Oliver[edit]

Wielding a mean turkey twizzler Jamie declared the Candyman's candy, though sugarless, an unhealthy chemical factory. The two of them enjoy playing chess, walks on the beach, and facing off with each other in high-altitude battles.

Right Said Fred[edit]

Wrongly telling the Candyman that his furry floor sweets had too much hair, they were forever placed on his enemies list (which is actually Richard Nixon's enemies list but with his name crossed out and the Candyman's name wrote on).

The Dinnerladys[edit]

He really just doesn't like the ogres that pose as dinner ladies to fit in to society. And, frankly, who does. Ever since they tried to wear down his resistance and break his spirit at school with their low protein grool the Candyman has despised them. He keeps a rocket launcher handy when he drives past schools; in case he sees one.