Jamie Oliver

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Jamie Oliver wants to tickle your fancy.

Jamie Oliver cooks stuff on television. Sometimes he writes cookbooks and sometimes he yells degrading insults and sexual advances at your mother whenever she walks by construction sites wearing too much makeup.

Illogical nonfacts[edit]

Jamie Oliver thinks you’re a big fat cutie patootie.
  • Jamie Oliver cooks pork and feeds it to his cat Tiffany.
  • Jamie Oliver doesn’t want to bite off all your fingers, but he will if you leave him no choice.
  • Jamie Oliver thinks white people be all like zombies at the mall.
  • Jamie Oliver orders all his sandwiches with mayonnaise.
  • Jamie Oliver likes to pleasures himself to the sound of elephants farting.
  • Jamie Oliver likes to urinate out of moving subway cars.
  • Jamie Oliver will shallow your soul.
  • Jamie Oliver ran over my wife with a lawnmower.
  • Jamie Oliver had all the fat in his head sucked out and injected into his feet so that he could go ice skating on Paul Bunyan’s giant skillet.
  • Jamie Oliver reeks of Soylent Green and Jack Daniels.
  • Jamie Oliver is pregnant with my 2-headed lovechild.

Chicken tetrazzini[edit]

Jamie Oliver wants to vandalize your Wikipedia article.

My wife has been going over to Jamie Oliver’s house a lot lately. When I ask her about it, she tells me that he makes great chicken tetrazzini. Funny, she never liked chicken tetrazzini before. I don’t know what Jamie Oliver is doing to his chicken tetrazzini, but she loves it.

That sure makes me wonder.

The Passion of Jamie Oliver[edit]

Due to his culinary sins, Jamie Oliver was arrested and found guilty of crimes against cucumbers. While in jail, he wrote the phonebook, invented Shrinky Dinks, and learned the true meaning of Hanukkah.

Working in the Food Court[edit]

Jamie Oliver proudly served as a lawyer in the Food Court for many years. During his short and pointless career, Jamie Oliver accomplished nothing.

See also[edit]