The Divine Duct Tape of Jesus
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The Divine Duct Tape of Jesus is an approved relic of the Holy Roman Catholic Church. Theologians groups this artifact with The Sacred Black Sea Sack of Masking Tape of the Holy Mother, The Blessed Plush Left Slipper of St. John the Baptist, The Most Revered Earplugs of Judas and The Consecrated Knickknacks of James the Lesser as a collection licensed for reproduction by the Franklin Mint.
Following the Crucifixion, tiny bald men in aluminium foil suits gathered up these items and hid them under hallucinations of billowing sheets for 40 days. Liberally applying hand lotions as a diversionary tactic, shop teachers disassembled the relics and secreted them to the four corners of the earth.
Discovery[edit | edit source]
The year was 1237 and Sir Justin Bearpelt of some English townsplace (probably named Yorkshire or Yorkville or Wadsworthshire or Cobblerstown or something like that) was going for a ride in the Scunterbury woods riding his prized gelding named Hambone. It was here that Sir Justin Bearpelt met Friar Dunald Donbar, a pious man of the faith. Dunald leapt from a tree and tackled Justin thinking he was a lion. He wasn't a lion. He was just a man. But Dunald was delusional, and had many mental disorders that went undiagnosed because this was a different time. Dunald's inane comments and psychotic actions were dismissed as messages from God, Himself. Friar Dunald knocked Sir Justin out with a stone, and tied him up, binding him with duct tape, which wasn't widely used until nearly six and a half hundred years later, but that's totally not important because something about the bible always being right or something. Justin woke up unable to move, tied to a chair, and gagged with a mouthful of way too much bubblegum. I'm talking absurd amounts of bubblegum. Like as much as someone could fit in their mouth without choking. Bubblegum also wasn't in existance but honestly who gives a shit.
It was then that a little man scurried out from behind a tree, and released Justin from his bindings. The little fellow then scurried into the bushes never to be identified or seen again. Justin, with no other explanation, decided that this was an act of God and therefore the tape was divine, and certainly a relic of Jesus or something.