The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when somewhere deep in the house

pornhub was loading, from the click of a mouse;

The stocking was laid out by the keyboard with care,

In hopes that it would withhold the love-goo, and probably hair;

you see I'd been moulting, a pubic forest had littered my bed,

While those that escaped had been carefully sellotaped to my cat's head;

While the family lay snoozing, dreaming of Yuletide and Christmassy feeling

My tab had just buffered and I'd newspapered the ceiling

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

Someone upstairs had got up as to see what was the matter.

The top of the window I mashed like a flash,

Tore open the history and deleted the cache.

But alas, try as I might I just could not get rid of the video

My screen had frozen like ice. Damn you Windows!

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

The creak of the door as I sat paralyzed, my body immovable stone cold with fear

"Now, Leeroy H. Jesus Penis! And Mr. Ballbaggy Scrotum!

Back in to the sleigh you go, l'est pa lays eyes on my totem"

More rapid than horses was the rise of my jeans,

The sensation unpleasant, something popped as it was mushed by the seams

The door at last flew open, and to my surprise

It wasn't a disgruntled father that I found greeting my eyes,

No, stroking his beard and a hand firmly grasped onto his sack,

T'was nought but Saint Nicholas, laden with hat, beard, and trousers caught in his crack.

And then, with a clasp of shock I tipped out of my chair

Managing to spread sticky unpleasantness from my hand to my hair.

Bow-legged and with one free paw I desperately made to escape from the scene

My endeavours thwarted when I tripped and smashed my head through the screen.

This was a peculiar situation and I couldn't but smile,

Nick gave a chuckle, he helped me up and we drank for a while;

He took of his shoes and we sat down on the couch,

Having first hoovered, dusted and freshened with Oust!