Things you can’t buy at Walmart

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WARNING: Don’t bother looking for any of this shit at Walmart, because you’re not going to find it.

  • A swift kick to the balls.
  • Alexa Chung.
  • Buckets of blood.
  • Buzzfeed, as a company.
  • Circle squares.
  • Clouds.
  • Costco.
  • Dead monkey babies.
  • Dodo birds.
  • Dumpster divers.
  • Firefly Season 2 on DVD.
  • Four-time NBA All-Star Anfernee "Penny" Hardaway.
  • Good pizza.
  • Head trauma.
  • Hepatitis.
  • King Neptune.
  • Live grenades.
  • Leisure Suit Larry 4: The Missing Floppies.
  • Love (you're looking for it in all the wrong places).
  • Lycanthropy.
  • Magic bowling balls.
  • Malaysian Airlines flight 370.
  • Plutonium.
  • Pregnant magicians.
  • Pure opium.
  • Radioactive cheese.
  • Rainbows.
  • Roasted scorpions on a skewer.
  • Screams in a box.
  • Screams in a jar.
  • Shark fin soup.
  • Smallpox in a bag.
  • Square circles.
  • Suicide booths.
  • Taxidermists.
  • That.
  • The entirety of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).
  • The tears of a clown.
  • This.
  • Vegan dog food.
  • Violent prostrate exams.
  • Voodoo.
  • Your very own sweatshop child worker.
  • Zen Buddhism.