Tornado matchmaker
A tornado matchmaker is a device use to make tornadoes.
Usage[edit | edit source]
Tornado machines can make tornadoes that are very powerful. These tornadoes will come over to your house, consume all of your beer and pretzels, create a giant cable bill by ordering up a lot of adult programs, kiss your girlfriend, and then downgrade your PS3 to a PS2.
Tornadoes are made of wind or air or something. They spin counterclockwise but sometimes clockwise. They remind you of a gentler time, a time when women could not vote and certain persons were not allowed on golf courses. Do you remember the time you got blind drunk and ran over that guy with your car? Tornado matchmaker remembers. And if you expect tornado matchmaker to keep its mouth shut, you might have to do something in return. You may have to throw some money tornado matchmaker’s way. You may have to do some favors for tornado matchmaker. You may have to store a suitcase full of a mysterious white powder while tornado matchmaker is out of town on business.
Yeah, I think this will all work out nicely. Yeah, real clean and professional.
Pioneers in the field of tornado matchmaking[edit | edit source]
Dr. Oldman[edit | edit source]
- Good point: Patience.
- Bad point: His hands are actually baked hams.
- Likes: Cargo shorts.
- Dislikes: Sitting down on cold park benches.
The Doobie Brothers[edit | edit source]
- Good point: Green thumbs.
- Bad point: Short term memory loss.
- Likes: Waking and baking.
- Dislikes: When his dime bag comes up a little short.
Gallery[edit | edit source]
Dr. Oldman with his tornado matchmaker.
The Doobie brothers with their tornado matchmaker.
Playing with a Slinky is serious business
Controversy[edit | edit source]
NAFTA[edit | edit source]
- NAFTA is the root cause of inferior tobacco.
Inferior tobacco[edit | edit source]
INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO INFERIOR TOBACCO
After the storm[edit | edit source]
After the tornadoes destroy your house, you will try to rebuild but you will find that you lack both the skill and the tools to construct a house that will meet the high standards of your demanding wife and ungrateful children. So you will turn to the bottle to sooth your troubled soul, but this will only give you temporary relief. So you will turn to the needle to sooth your troubled soul, but you will become a slave to junk sickness.
In the end nothing will get accomplished, and you will have to move into a motel in the bad side of town. Your wife will leave you for her tennis instructor and your kids will never call you.
But that’s ok. Live is sweet. They cool. They the off-beats.