Turkey

This article refers to the bird. For the country, see Turkey (country).

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Someone told me that this is what a turkey looks like

Hello little turkey!!! What do you do?

Did you know the turkey is the world's oldest animal? It is older than every other animal on the ark. With that guy. Dinosaurs don't count.

History of the Turkey

The turkey started with just two words. TWO WORDS! Those words were, of course, "gobble" and "gobble." After that, the turkey grew its wings. Once it developed feathers (not features) it made the conscious decision not to fly all that much. It was quite busy being fat, and delicious.

Pilgrim Controversy

The turkey signed an exclusive November contract with an early English version of Penthouse Magazine. The deal was for a full spread. An entire magazine's worth of exclusive photographs, all for the turkey. What an attractive offer! But sadly for our beloved turkey-urkey, it was never meant to be. I shed a tear every time I tell this story.

What really happened, was that the guy in a wheelchair named Larry Flynn decided to cancel the deal without telling anyone. He didn't really cancel it, actually. He revised it. He changed things about the contract. It is kind of an amazing thing, considering Larry Flynn wasn't alive during the era of the pilgrims, but no one really cares about details. No one.

So anyway, Larry decided that the turkey should not be put in his magazine. He decided that the turkey should be placed on a big silver platter and eaten by hungry people during Easter. No. During Thanksgiving. And that is how babies are made.

Turkey Jerky

Turkey jerky is better than beef jerky, I think. I mean, one could argue the other way, but I certainly wouldn't agree. I think that the turkey flavor is so much better in it's dehydrated form. Do you believe how well I'm typing after consuming nearly 30 ounces of grain alcohol?! I KNOW!! Even I am amazed. And I'm the freaking author of this shiz!

Look how much this young man loves his pet turkey!

Carving Your Animal

You can use a big knife to carve a turkey. You can also use a giant wooden spoon. Who the fuck cares! All you want is to eat that shit! You know that all you're thinking during grace is "Oh man, fuck this bullshit I just want to EAT, man!!" It isn't okay to feel that way. You're talking to God when you say grace. Jesus.

But if you're going to carve a turkey, remember this: turkeys are alive. They need to be killed. Not to be carved, but just because turkeys are obviously the dumbest of all birds, second only to the ostrich. The ostrich is one DUMBASS of a bird. But still, turkeys are pretty bad too. So kill them. Then, use a big knife to cut them apart. Your family will love it.

Also, you should wear some gloves. I don't like oven mits, but you're white, so you might. White people are okay with oven mitts from what I understand.

Turkey Outreach Programmes

Notice I used the sissy French spelling of Programs. Its actually spelt programs, but I want to appeal to a broader audience. I just hope it isn't French people who are reading this.

But as I understand, there are over 50 outreach programs aimed squarely at turkeys. Like The International Turkey Alliance and People for the Betterment of Turkeys. The professor from Gilligan's Island runs one of them.

Racism

Turkeys are racist. That's why George Jefferson called people turkeys.

Gobble?

Gobble gobble! Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble GOBBLE gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobbledy gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble.

Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble. Gobble gobble gobble gobble.

Gobble gobble gobble gobble, gobble gobble. Gobble gobble gobble. Gobble. Gobble! Goobble!! Ahhhh...for crying out loud! Turkeys can reed english! They just don't wanna admit it cuz they are afraid that the racoons will eat their rock collection!

(The above text is for turkeys with internet access)

See also

This article is Illogical enough  to have made it onto the front page.  View more featured articles

• Chicken
• Turkey (country)
• Maniraptora