Spynorsk

From Illogicopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

Torbjørn Øyvind Jens Stoltenberg "Spynorsk" van Melkssen (1971-1994) was a British-Norwegian spy during the Second Sino-Italian War (1989-1996). He was relatively obscure during the war, but became known after the war once documents regarding Sino-Norwegian relations were revealed to the public. He is revered as a saint in Norway, but mere mention of his name is illegal in Israel, South Africa[citation needed], Belarus, and Slovenia. His memoirs were released posthumously under the title Mordliste (published 1998).

Early life[edit | edit source]

Spynorsk was born in southern Telecom Telemark, Norway to a Norwegian mother and an Antarctican Emperor Penguin. He attended school at his local grocery store, not because the town had no actual school, but because Spynorsk was fucking incompetent. After being shunned by everyone with a sane mind, he was driven out of town and left to fend for himself in the evil fjørds of Noregway. According to his memoirs, he was raised by a pack of reindeer (sans Father Christmas) until he was arrested by Swedish secret police in 1984 under charges of illegal possession of eye sockets. The charges were dropped after all the reindeer testified in his defense in a hearing on the 7th of July, 1985. Following this, he hastily joined the Norwegian army, claiming he wanted to escape "the voices in [his] head".

Life in the army and recruitment as a spy[edit | edit source]

During his training as an army engineer, he was approached by the leader of the Norwegian Party for the Legalization of Small to Medium Sized Children's Garments containing less than 67% but no less than 20% Polyester, Lord Per Halvar Olaf Siegfried Karl von Steinberg-Brennenschitz-Hamsdorfer-Dusselburg-Schweinwitz-Romanov-Johnson-Johnson-Bernadotte-Sturmgewaltz-Flugzeug of Lower-Upper Northern Saxony. The Lord (who shall from now be referred to as Hitler, as we do with all Germans) offered Spynorsk a position in his newly formed group, PETA. Spynorsk begrudgingly accepted, despite his reservations about the lack of potato rations within the new group. During his training as a spy, his fellow cadets gave him the nickname he is now known by: Spynorsk.

Career as a spy[edit | edit source]

Spynorsk's training and graduation were uneventful, and soon he was on his first missions for Hitler. He started small, sabotaging Danish horse manufacturing plants first, but soon moved on to large tasks. One of those large tasks he was involved in was the 1987 bombing of the Canadian embassy in Riyadh. Many of his roles in Norwegian spy operations during the war are still unknown, as there remains many documents relating to his career that are classified. What we do know, though, is that Spynorsk almost certainly had a widespread role during the war, and operated in places ranging from his homeland in Norway, to the enemy territories of Italy, Greece, and Northern Cyprus, and perhaps even as far as Algeria and the Sofa Sudan.

Death[edit | edit source]

Spynorsk was found dead in his barracks in March of 1994, apparently of a sildenafil citrate overdose. Again, most documents realted to the case are classified, so even today it is unknown if fowl foul play was involved.

Legacy[edit | edit source]

In Norway, Spynorsk is remembered for his patriotism and role in the Norwegian victory. In Italy, he is hated as being such a close ally of the Chinese, as with all Norwegians. Monuments to him have been erected in Norway (in Oslo, Trondheim, and Skien) and Sweden (in Göteborg, Malmö, Karlskrona, and Växjö). Within Norway, the 23rd of May every year is dedicated to him, and the day is marked with parades, baptisms and ridiculous sales of banana bread.