A room with a moose
During the Pleistocene, midgets ran rampant through fast food parking lots, looking for walnuts. These midgets were the acognitious type, granting wishes to itinerant Apple users. Free standing, these proud veterans of the Cabbage Wars sought fried foods and Jesus. Jesus came alone, disguised as a fanged ham. He sure done scared us all to heavens glen!
Over at the stalls, Bergin was laying clay piping. He sure loved that filigree. Jesus drove a Lexus.
Slowly, at first, an indistinct thrumming was felt through the floor. The oscillations in the air between Legbas feet and the floor felt at once like an electric shock and a burning, tickling sensation. "Chreubic sasquatches assault my mind with their constant yearnings and beastly sexual proclivities", he thought, since he was a god, and gods can think such thoughts and they make sense. He watched distractedly as the hairs on all but his pate, eyebrows and pubis ejected themselves with little clicking sounds. The important thing was to keep cool. Even if he felt like vomiting, he had to keep cool.
The pyramid scheme built itself, almost as though an alien presence had set up shop in his brain. Using technospeak and mind control techniques, he formed an idea based on tax credits for carbon offsets. Clients would buy bonds against trees being planted in a pocket universe created by DARPA under contract for the Pentagon and McDonalds restaurants. This classified [[universe] has slightly altered constants from our own, such that matter and energy behave in surprising ways. For instance, if one were to plant a tree in this alternate reality, grew it to a height of 2.766 * the clatter of dishes over a usurped queen, and then shipped it to a location along a radius 34.9 kilometers from point of departure from this universe, the delivery would consist of 5 trees 8 feet in height. This works for all but red oak and ebony trees, and for any service except UPS, due to quantum entanglement.
Clients, or "suckers", as they are called in the Ponzi scheme business, buy shares of bonds at accelerated rates of interest based on the existence of a unipole somewhere in Greenland. The Ponzi fee is deducted up front and invested in a credit union under a false name of an optometrist from Maine. 29 days after the sucker signs the usurious paperwork, a systems engineer from Urethral Solutions will place a call to the suckers power company, using the name Dave. "Dave" informs them that a SWAT team is about to break down the doors of the suckers residence, and would they please shut off their lights for 11 minutes. The remaining 8 dollars is spent on baby rattles.
Clients will then receive harassing phone calls every day, from a different number each day, until they agree to reimburse Utility Muffin Research Kitchens for a "power ransom fee". If the authorities are called in, all personel related to this case will retreat to the pocket universe, where Plancks constant is a fatted calf. The workers will feel welcomed and at ease, the authorities get confused when all events related to the client fail to exist or have existed, and snitches get stitches.
The loophole is that almost all Americans are low in potassium, and cannot stop eating bananas long enough to fill out their tax forms. Canadians are even easier to entice in to such transactions. Unfortunately, Canada has laws against being an asshole, Fortunately, the punishments are no more severe than being forced to eat only pea soup and a tuna melts over the course of a long weekend. When the bears come out, everyone dons their bear-resistant toques and makes weasel noises. This confuses the bear, often causing it to vomit or speak Ladino.
Partial nudity is one of those things no one can seem to agree on. Like dangling participles, driveway sealing and smuggling Mike Tyson across the border into Algeria, partial nudity seems to be most offensive to those who speak and behave most offensively to the rest of us. Lord praiser come to mind, as do Freemasons, determined to prove their superiority in an effort to create a clone of themselves in the targets of their ministrations.