Albert Adams's Laboratory Adventures
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"Test subject three appears to have died. Moving on to subject four," said
Doctor Albert Adams. "Test subject four appears to be dead as well. Interesting."
Albert was a scientist. He studied the effects of actions and substances on animals, mostly rats and aardvarks.
"Well, it appears that all five of the test subjects died when being cut in half with a chainsaw. That is opposite of what I was expecting." He said to his computer. His computer was named Sally. Sally would record everything he said, and store all of the information. And the two would have tea parties on occasion.
"Information noted and stored." said Sally in a deep, manly voice. One thing Dr. Adams didn't notice was the fact that Sally was designed to be a man. He also didn't notice that Sally couldn't actually think; she was just a big, recording box. However, he still ensued with polite conversations and tea parties nonetheless.
"So Sally, do you want Peach or Lemon Snapple today?" Asked Dr. Adams.
"..."
The computer said nothing. Adams glared at it, and then he took a magazine out of his pocket and threw it at the computer.
"Since you're too busy to talk, you might as well have that magazine to look at, you big thing," he said with a tear coming to his eye. He ran off into the bathroom sobbing, where he put two dollars into the toilet paper machine. "They charge so much nowadays for toilet paper. I remember when it used to be free. Those damn commies in the government! They waste all of their money nowadays, and to get it back they charge us for toilet paper. Those scamming fools!" remarked Albert.
After a twenty minutes of groaning and fart noises, Albert finally left the bathroom.
"Oh, twenty minutes, that's a new record! Sally, Did you get that down? My new fastest time is twenty minutes!"
"Information noted and stored." said Sally.
"It's good to hear you talking again, Sally. For a moment I thought you were breaking up with me!" said the Doctor before grabbing a bottle of 180 proof Vodka and setting it on the refrigerator-sized computer. "I hope you want Lemon, that's all I have today. Drink up." The computer sat there, doing nothing. "Dammit, Sally, why won't you drink your tea? I guess I'll save it for later," he said while snatching the Vodka and putting back in a cooler.
Just then, a phone rang. Albert ran swiftly across the room to pick it up.
"Hello, Dr. Adams speaking."
"Albert? This is John. What were your results for today?" said a deep voice on the other end of the line.
"Well, all five test subjects died when I cut them in half with a chainsaw. It was kind of surprising, I was expecting at least one to live."
"Dammit, Albert! Are you really that dumb? Everyone knows that things die when they get chopped in half with a chainsaw! That is an utter waste of your funding! In fact, everything you do is a waste of your funding!"
"Hey, that isn't true. I'm putting a 30 million dollar research grant from the government to good use," replied Albert.
"Ok, just shut up. You always complain about those "Commies" running the government wasting their money. They are wasting it, but they're wasting a lot of it at your expense!"
"Hey, I am NOT wasting my money. I am putting it to very good use. I am seeing if enriched uranium consumption kills hamsters. I am seeing if wrapping an aardvark in C4 explosives and then detonating it harms the aardvark. I am using my money wisely, and for the good of people!" Albert yelled.
"Dammit, Adams! You are so dumb! The government has considered cutting your funding!"
"CUTTING MY FUNDING? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!"
"You should have seen it coming, with all of your stupid tests. You should be out of money by the end of the week. Better start packing your bags. Bye." said the voice before hanging up.
"This can't be happening..." said Albert.
He ran off to his mirror, and said "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Am I really getting fired?"
It replied: "Yes, you fool."
"Oh no, oh no," he said.
He went romping through piles of papers, looking for something. He spent an hour looking through the papers, without finding it. "Dammit, where is the recipe for Grandma's Motor Oil Steak? It has to be here somewhere... I hope I haven't lost it!" After looking through the papers for nearly an hour, he gave up. "That's enough for now." he said.
"Information noted and stored." said Sally.
"Oh, Sally, I almost forgot about you! So, would you like some tea?"
"....."
"Sally?"
"......."
"Sally? Are you ok? Are you alive!?"
"........."
"Sally! Please comeback! I don't want to lose you!!!"
"Information noted and stored."
"Oh, thank goodness you're alive. Now, do you want some tea? You do? That's good. Here, have some lemon."
Albert handed a bottle of 180 proof Vodka to the computer. He opened one of his own, drank it, and then spit it out.
"Yech! This tastes like an overturned sack of rotten goldfish crackers! Jesus!" he yelled before throwing the bottle out the window and impaling someone. "Whoops! Well uh, served him right. No one should be walking near my top-secret laboratory, it's private property!" he said from inside his garage.
"Now, for today's test. Sally, are you getting this down?"
"Affirmative."
"Right," said Dr. Adams while picking up a rat. "Today we are exposing five test rats to mustard gas to determine the effect of the gas on the rats. I think that at a maximum one should die. Now, let's get started," he said before throwing five rats into a box. "Now, for the gas exposure."
Albert closed to air-tight box with a can of mustard gas in it. After fifteen seconds, the can opened and the box filled with gas. While he waited, he played a game of chess with his friend Tommy. Adams thought Tommy was a lamp. However, Tommy was really a human that was bound with duct tape around his arms and legs with a lampshade crammed on his head.
"Your move, Tommy!" said Adams.
"Bishop to E8." said Tommy. Adams moved the bishop.
"Uh... Knight to E8! Checkmate! yelled Albert.
"You idiot! You captured my bishop, not my king! God, get me out of here!" said Tommy. Sadly, he was bound to chair with chains.
"Oh, Tommy! You're a lamp! What are you going to do in the real world?"
"Ok, douche bag, I'm not a lamp. Unless lamps can talk and think, of course, then I might be a lamp. But news flash, pal, lamps can't talk or think. So I'm not a goddamn lamp. Now let me go, you paranoid freak!" said Tommy.
Just then a timer went off. "Oh, the test is done. Let's go get some results!" said Albert.
Albert walked into the room, and opened the box.
"Ok Sally, it appears test subject one has died," he said while picking up a rat marked "3" and throwing it into the rubbish bin. "Test subject two is dead as well. This is really surprising! Test subject three is dead also. Wow!" he said while picking up two rats and throwing them out the window. "Hm, it appears test subjects four and five are dead as well! This is really interesting! Did you get that down, Sally?" he said while taking the last two rats and eating them.
"Information noted and stored." said Sally.
"Oh, good. Good. Still, that last test surprised me." said Albert.
He walked back over to where Tommy was wriggling and attempting to get out of his chains.
"Now, where were we? Ah yes, Checkmate! I win! Back to your cell full of hungry Lions, Tommy!" Albert said.
"CELL FULL OF LIONS!? ARE YOU MAD!?" Yelled Tommy. "WHAT DID I EVEN DO TO GET HERE!? I WAS JUST WALKING DOWN THE STREET AND THEN THE MEN IN WHITE COATS GRABBED ME AND PUT ME IN A CAR! JESUS, WHY ME!?"
"Oh, Tommy, stop whining. I'll give you your saltines later."
"I hate your damn saltines! Jesus! Get away from me you freak!"
"Oh, Tommy," said Albert while dragging him on the ground. "I'm sure you're going to love the lions in your cell. I bet you guys will have a GREAT time!"
"LIONS!? LIONS!? YOU MADMAN! HELP ME! ANYONE!!!" yelled Tommy.
While Tommy continued yelling, Albert opened the door to the supply closet and dragged Tommy inside. He took a mop and set it down next to Tommy.
"This is Jack. He is a lion. I'm sure you two will have a grand time." Albert said.
"A Lion!? This is a MOP! What the hell is wrong with you, man? Let me go! Get me out of he--"
The sound of Tommy's voice was muffled by the shut door. "Now, Sally, what were we up to again?" said Albert.
"..."
"Sally, do you love me?" asked Albert.
"Negative." replied Sally in a monotone voice.
Dr. Adams's eyes widened. "You do? Well I love you too Sally! I love you too!" He ran up to Sally and hugged her. "Now, time for some tea, yes? I see you already have some." he took the bottle of Vodka off the top of the computer. "Now, time for our tea party!" He opened up the bottle and poured it on Sally.
Sally began to click and buzz, and lights flickered on and off. The room began to shake, and then Sally imploded.
"Sally!?" Yelled Albert. "No! Sally!"
Just then, the phone rang.
Albert, sobbing, went over and picked it up. "H- h- h-ullo?" he managed to say.
"Yes, Albert? John here. The government has cut your funding. Bye."
Albert looked up. "Could this day get any worse!?" he yelled. He sat on his knees sobbing. Then someone knocked on the door. He went over and opened. A clown was standing at the door.
"Uh, yes... Mr. Adams? I mean, uh... Dr. Adams? You have a special delivery." The clown handed Albert an envelope. "Enjoy your day, sir." said the clown before leaving.
Albert opened up the envelope. Inside was a letter which read:
- Dear Dr. Adams:
- It has come to my attention that you are in fact a doctor. For this reason, would like to give you three million dollars. I do not want to do this, but my wife told me to. You see, we recently won the lottery, and got several hundred million dollars. I used most of it on toilet paper. Those damn Commie government runners. Anyhow, my wife said I should give the rest to doctors who are doing good for the society. That is precisely why I didn't want to give it to you, but my wife made me anyway. So. Here its three million dollars in cash. Spend it wisely.
- Sincerely,
- Jordan Williams
After reading this, Albert said: "Well, is it my lucky day?"
Right after that, a meteor flew from the sky and blew up his house and garage. Dr. Adams, tragically, did not survive.
Tommy did.