Baby Jesus
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After centuries of scaring young Christians away from the Church, a new religious marketing campaign in the mid-80s swept the nation in the form of Baby Jesus dolls. Young children were often scared of seeing Jesus on the cross, so the Church released a new icon for children, an adorable baby saviour.
The baby Jesus dolls had a string in their back that, when pulled, made the baby Jesus doll give wholesome and inspiring advice such as: "Stay in School", "Winners Don't do Drugs", "Vote Republican", "Losers don't do drugs either" and "Remember, when making spice-cake, mix the ingredients thoroughly. Lumps in the batter will seriously f*** you up".
The Baby Jesus Dolls are not be confused with Jesus Baby-Dolls, a religious marketing campaign aimed at a more adult target audience.
Ricky Bobby was the first man to have actually gained proof of Baby Jesus. Baby Jesus appeared to him just after a near fatal collision with rival race car driver Bubba Daleheart Stewart JR. According to tradition, Baby Jesus can be used in place of Jesus, Metal Jesus, or Hard Rocking Jesus at will. It is then the decision of the prayer (prayee) to decide what Jesus they want to address at any given time.
During his time on earth Baby Jesus wrote, directed and starred in the semi-autobiographical work, "Bratz Babies: The Movie". The movie was a relative success and put Baby Jesus back in the spotlight, however this didn't last as a short few years later it emerged that Baby Jesus had been forced by his agent (one "God") to take anti-growth hormones so that he could play the role again in the sequel. This, a crack problem, and claims of messiahdom all compounded to end Baby Jesus's stardom. His current whereabouts are unknown.
How to care for Baby Jesus[edit | edit source]
- ALWAYS make him cry. Or use any sort of lube during nappy changing. Failure to do so will make God smite you and a litter of kittens.
- Gifts of Gold, Frankenstein and a Russian space station will suffice on his birthday.
- Nail him to a cross. Make sure he gets his tetanus shot first.
- Make sure he's always dressed in his best scummy rags.
Fun facts![edit | edit source]
- For a long time it was believed that the Jews killed Jesus, but it was later learned that aliens from K-PAX did it because they were high... This knowledge made the Jews Completely Uncool.
- Jesus Sez: Do unto others as they would do to you... unless they are gay or furries.
- The baby Jesus is unbearable to be around because of his constant crying. Everyone in Heaven really wishes you would stop masturbating.
How to cook[edit | edit source]
- Preheat oven to 450 degrees.
- Baste the baby infantile Jesus in your favourite marinade, best with sweet and sour.
- Dig your grave because God will smite you for even thinking about baking Jesus in an oven.
- Bar-B-Q is the only way to cook a baby Jesus.