Barney
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Noted historians and conspiracy theorists believe that Barney the Dinosaur is in fact the Anti-Christ spoken of in the Bible (Revelation 13:18 - "This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, its number is six hundred and sixty six").
This can be proved using the following simple illogic: When the verse in Revelation was written, Latin was the dominant language. The Roman alphabet contained also the Roman numerals for the time. The letter equivalents are:
I = 1 V = 5 X = 10 L = 50 C = 100 D = 500 M = 1000
- "Barney the Dinosaur" = "Cute Purple Dinosaur".
- Latin did not have a "u", instead the letter "v" is used. This now becomes:
- "CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" .... dropping non-numbered letters, we are left with:
- "CV V L DI V"
- This is the equivalent of 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666
Irrefutable proof that Barney the Dinosaur is the Anti-Christ, and therefore EEEEEEVVVVVVIIIIIILLLLL!!
What the beast looks like[edit | edit source]
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Nefarious Plots[edit | edit source]
Proof of his evilness has been found. His theme song is:
- I love you,
- You love me'
- We're a happy family
- With a great big kiss and hug
- From me to you
- Won't you say you love me to?
Backwards, it is:
- uoy evol I
- em evol ouy
- ylimaf yppah a erew
- guh dna ssik gib taerg a htiw
- uoy ot em morf
- oot em evol uoy yas uoy tnow
Written down it looks like nonsense. But when it is sung backwards, it sounds like this:
- Ooh, evil eye
- I'm evil, ooh-ey'
- Eely Mafia power
- Goodness is sick, give target, ew!
- Ooh, atom-morph
- Ooh, them evil, ooh, yes, ooh, now....
Anti-Barney Songs[edit | edit source]
Joy To The World The Big Man's Dead[edit | edit source]
(Sung to the tune of "Joy To The World")
- Joy to the world
- That Barney's dead
- We barbecued his head!
- What happened to his body?
- We flushed it down the potty
- Round and round it goes where the diarrhea flows
- Round and round and round it goes!
- Five years later, chewin' on his underwear
- Wish he had another pair
- Eaten by a polar bear!
- Chewin' on his underwear
- Nine years later, had another barbecue
- I had to go to the restroom
- I run up the stairs and look in the toilet
- And there was Barney's head!
- Joy to the world
- That Barney's dead
- We barbecued his head!
- What happened to his body?
- We flushed it down the potty
- Round and round it goes like Indiana Jones
- We watched it go round and round!
I Hate You[edit | edit source]
(Sung to the tune of "This Old Man")
- I hate you
- You hate me
- Let's tie Barney to a tree
- With an M16 and a pistol full of lead
- We just shot off Barney's head
- I hate you
- You hate me
- Let's team up and kill Barney
- With an M16, I shot him in the head
- Let's watch as the floor turns red
- I hate you
- You hate me
- Barney gave you H.I.V.
- So we punched him in the balls and shot him in the head
- Now that purple thing is dead
- I hate you
- You hate me
- Let's all go and kill Barney
- With a baseball battie
- And a Four-by-Four
- No more purple dinosaur
- I hate you
- You Hate Me
- Let's tie Barney to a tree!
- I'll get the match,
- You get the gasoline,
- Light the match and watch him scream.
- I hate you
- You hate me
- We're a racist family
- So let's kill that big, fat freak they call Barney
- Then we will be more happy
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- Let's hang Barney from a tree
- With a knife, and a gun, and a bullet through his head
- Till that purple thing is dead
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- The ratel army killed Barney
- With a gun and a tank and 12 atomic bombs
- We're all glad that Barney's gone
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- Let's tie Barney to a tree
- Stab him in the back shoot him in the head
- Now the purple thing is dead
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- Barney's taken ecstasy
- There you see him,lying on the floor
- No more purple dinosaur
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- I saw Godzilla kill Barney
- With a fire blast that retard then hit the floor
- No more stupid dinosaur
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- Barney's stung by a killer bee
- And now he's lying dead across the floor
- No more purple dinosaur
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- Let's be friends and kill Barney
- With a shotgun *BANG BANG*
- Barney on the floor
- No more purple dinosaur
- I hate you,
- You hate me
- But let's get together and KILL Barney
- With a great big bazooka
- We blow off his head
- Sorry kids but Barney's dead
On Top of Old Oakey[edit | edit source]
(Sung to the tune of "On Top Of Old Smokey")
On Top of a old oakey All covered in blood I shot evil Barney With a .500 stud
I went to his fun'ral I went to his grave Some people threw flowers I threw a grenade
Now Sorry for Barney all covered in red And now you can all see that Barney is dead
I dug up the body and cloned the remains And just for the pleasure I killed him again
Deck the Halls[edit | edit source]
(A violent Christmas favorite)
Deck the Halls with bloody dino Hahahahahahahahaha See the nuke charge like a rhino Hahahahahahahahaha Barney's dead on Christmas day right Hahahahahahahahaha Now There's nothing left to say right Hahahahahahahahaha
Evil mind controller's gone Hahahahahahahahaha His remains lay on the lawn Hahahahahahahahaha Now the world is safe again Hahahahahahahahaha No more counting one through ten Hahahahahahahahaha
Barney's evil scheme is ruined Hahahahahahahahaha Now the studio is suin' Hahahahahahahahaha Oops! They ran out in less than an hour Hahahahahahahahaha Barney has lost all his power Hahahahahahahahaha
Deck the halls with heads of Barney Hahahahahahahahaha Serves him right for being crummy Hahahahahahahahaha Now let's sing this song again Hahahahahahahahaha This song shall never end Hahahahahahahahaha* * Repeat
Barney and Friends Theme Song (sung to the tune of Yankee Doodle)[edit | edit source]
Barney was a dinosaur from our imagination, Put him in the microwave, He'll die from radiation!
Barney was a dinosaur From our imagination, He stuck a pencil up his arse And died from constipation!
Barney is a dinosaur From our imagination Kick him in the balls And he will die from constipation!
Jingle Bells[edit | edit source]
(Another violent Christmas favorite)
Dashing through the snow On a pair of broken skis Downhill Barney goes Crashing into trees The snow is turning red We think he's almost dead Now let's go get a two-by-four and hit him on the head
Jingle Bells, shotgun shells Purple dino's dead We struck him with a two-by-four And shot him in the head
Baby Bop, Baby Bop Tried to save his life But an action man from Pakistan Stabbed her with a knife
Row Your Boat[edit | edit source]
(Especially fun around the campfire)
Row, row, row, your boat gently down the stream Push Barney overboard And listen to him scream
Five days later he rose from the dead took a 12-gauge shotgun and blew off his head
ABCs[edit | edit source]
(Just for fun!)
A, B, C, D, E, F, G Barney is my enemy! Hit 'im with a piece of lead Now we know that Barney's dead! Now you know I hate Barney Next time won't you sing with me!
Take Me Out to Kill Barney[edit | edit source]
(To the tune of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"
Take me out to kill Barney Take me out to his show Get me a gun and a baseball bat I don't care if it takes too slow And we'll shoot, shoot, shoot, to kill Barney Until he hits the floor For it's one, two, three, gunshots wounds No more purple dinosaur