Borderline Oceania

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Australia's latest campaign for English-speaking workers.

Borderline Oceania is an officially diagnosed mental disorder towards people that Australia don't really like, or are at least mildly suspicious about.

Application[edit | edit source]

In order to apply this disease you must be a member of the Australian government in some way; this includes less statutorially significant jobs such as janitor, tea-bitch and hidden-but-soon-to-be-revealed rent boy.

The application of B orderline Oceania is as follows: the first stage is to put this person's name down and wait five years. This, while being rather time-consuming, unpleasant and inconvenient, also allows the victim to develop any illnesses that may well enhance the effects of Borderline Oceania. The second stage is one year of paperwork, including a referendum, various local elections and hundreds of surveys asking the same question, asked by the same people. If this goes ahead, Borderline Oceania is applied with post-it note saying "throw something at me" applied to the victim's back and making them wear a hat that displays the flag of any other country of the world. Taking off the post-it note constitutes a breach of the law and often the offender is exiled from the country. However, this is the easier, quicker option as Borderline Oceania causes you to be eventually kicked out of the country anyway; assuming you have not emigrated.

The evil, evil programme Neighbours... part of the australian ostracism programme.

Side effects[edit | edit source]

The side effects of Borderline Oceania include speaking in an accent foreign to Australia, getting a "tribal" tattoo, and being generally unpopular. Some experience homosexual tendencies, but only because people tell them that this is a side effect of the affliction.

Cure[edit | edit source]

The cure for this disease is either to emigrate or to commit suicide. More forgiving communities in Australia may permit public sexual self-degradation and/or watching "Neighbours".

Extranational utilisation[edit | edit source]

In England this disease has been adapted and applied to everyone not of pure British origin. They have trimmed the bustle in the process's hedgerow down to two syllables and one action: calling them a "Paki" and throwing hot curry at them and their family. This is frowned upon by everyone, but only in secret, just in case people find out and apply English Borderline Oceania to them themselves.