Cooties

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Quite contrary to popular belief, Cooties is a real disease as proven by Christian fundamentalists. Main scientist Billy Graham, on this mission, has causen a new version of the Red Scare and such. It is a progressive disease similar to cancer caused by contact with individuals of the opposite gender. For some time, elementary schoolers asserted existance of this disease and older idiots simply dismissed this as a sign of early immaturity. However, unlike global warming, this problem in our world CAN be proven as it says in the Conservapedia "Fox News has dominated the ratings of other cable news outlets."

Early Discovery[edit]

Founding Father Thomas Jefferson was the first to suggest existance of this disease as his young son died at such an early age. Some say it was the fault of Dumb Monkey Syndrome. However, DMS symptoms include endless banana eating, and poo flinging. Jefferson's child suffered mild stomach pain, major head pain, endless vomiting, and a desire to eat corn on the cob. These, as said by Jefferson, are "Symptoms of a new disease killing our young. What to call it? How about... cooties?" It was confirmed that this case was verified to be caused by Jefferson's son's social contact with George Washington's young daughter. Thus, this created great cause for existance of this disease.

Contemporary History[edit]

Jefferson's story went on unnoticed until in 1979, a huge outbreak of some disease was killing off a huge number of people in Kentucky. Governor Sanders explained it as "Some odd killing. Maybe it was the flu." Christian union Focus on the Family asserted it was "Cooties" as in Jefferson's case. Sanders then had this verified with science and thus, it was proven in Kentucky. In 1984, President Ronald Reagan had the disease on the "Officius List of Diseases". In 1992, Bill Clinton tried to repeal it, but he failed in the Senate. At this time the Christian fundamentalists allied with the elementary schoolers to prove it in the scientific community. Michael Jackson then gave the approval to them, and then it was automatically accepted in the scientific community. All that was left to do was prove it to everyone. Still, today, even with the overwhelming scientific evidence to prove it, some still deny its existance. These people are Nazis.

Scientific Evidence for Cooties[edit]

If you take three hydrogen atoms, and then take a nitrogen atom, then let them marinate for 4544 years, it will create a deadly molecule. This is the same exact molecule caused in the disease called "Cooties". Since these elements combine when said contact occurs, this molecule is deadly and should be prevented.

See! This outbreak must be undeniable proof!

Scientific Evidence Against Cooties[edit]

What are you talking about? There is none. Cooties have not been scientifically proven, that means there is no proof against them!

Criticism[edit]

“All of these studies are not undeniably true.”

What? Criticism? There is no criticism, you idiot. If anyone criticized this serious disease, they would get infected and die a most certainly eeble death. So stop asking questions about negative connotations involving cooties.

See Also[edit]