Dove
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A dove, or more commonly, pigeon (not to be confused with the piegon) is a mammal that is commonly eaten in the form of porkeon. The characteristic sound that the pigeon makes is like oink, oink, oink, for which reason many pigeons have traditionally been locked up in clinics, for it was considered inconceivable that normal people would make oink-like noises like that. Pigeons have also been known to be evil little buggers and should all be destroyed whenever you see them. There are already many agents working for PHLB or Pigeons are Horrible Little Buggers. Many are disguised as elderly folk feeding pigeons but they are actually secret agents throwing out little cyanide covered peanuts. If you ever see a pigeon please run to the nearest popo and tell him that there is a code 1063 in progress.
Since Sigmund Freud it is widely accepted that the oink-like sounds that the pigeon produces have deeper psychological motivations, that are mostly related to the procreation of the species.
Venice used to be full of pigeons until the PHLB headquarters was centered there yesterday. The Pigeon's favorite food is flaming hot cheetos. There is a half cat half pigeon. It is the chosen one of pigeons and will lead them to war against humanity on February 22, 2222. It has a cat head with wings and pigeon feet. It is likely to scratch people on sight. We have already lost millions of Secret PHLB Agents to its demonic powers. Its real name is unpronounceable in any human language, but it is commonly known as Bkdoknghimersonman Phaleone. It is constantly watching for secret agents to poop on at the park with its acidic poo of doom.
It is pigeons' hobby to shit on anything they can. Mainly your car is targeted but nobody is safe.
Cycle of Life[edit | edit source]
The pigeon cycle of life is still a secret to mankind, although various different theories try to explain it. The most common is the "Spin and Burn" theory, named after the initial and final rituals of the pigeon life.
Reproduction:
The pigeon mating ritual, according to the "Spin and Burn" theory, is indeed a very curious one. A full grown up male pigeon is able to receive high frequency electromagnetic waves that the grown up female pigeon sends through its left leg. When the male pigeon comes approximately 10 inches from its partner, the electromagnetic waves start to fuzz its brain and it can do nothing but spin around its axis, making a strange low frequency noise. The intense rotation creates a vacuum around it, sucking the female pigeon close.
Fifteen seconds after this process, the female pigeon puts an egg. Ten seconds later, a new pigeon breaks from the egg. The newborn will need 90 seconds to achieve a fully grown up pigeon size and weight.
Pigeon Life:
The pigeon life comprehends four different actions: Eating, Escaping, Mating and Conspiring. The initial stage is the Eating stage, while a pigeon tries to eat anything that lies in the ground. This stage moves to Escaping as soon as the pigeon notices any moving creature within five meters of distance, with a size larger than its own. Occasionally, it enters the Mating stage, when his left leg starts emitting electromagnetic waves (female case) or it is attracted by other pigeons waves (male case). The Conspiring stage is covered in secret, but it's commonly accepted that a pigeon starts conspiring against mankind as soon as its fat weight is equal as 2/3 of its total weight. In this stage, it starts to control people's minds, making them rob, rape, kill and often feed them. It's unofficial and still subject of studies, but many says they're able to change into human shape.
Death:
The end of the pigeon life is compatible with its complexity. When in the final moments, the pigeons use their accumulated fat to start and anus-based lipid-combustion engine, reaching its escape speed (approximately 3*10³ m/s) and then flying into space. The pigeon body incendiates, and his ashes fall to the surface, often starting fires in forests and farms. The Burn Death of the pigeons is well accepted by the majority of the specialists, specially because none has ever found pigeon fossils or any kind of remains in the surfaces. There's a little group of specialists, however, that believe pigeons are immortal creatures.
Mind control[edit | edit source]
It is thought that pigeons can carry out mind control. They just haven't shown us yet. Of course, they do show signs of some form of psychic ability (which is just one reason why the Derren Brown is a pigeon argument started up), as seen when they stand in the middle of a road and stare into the driver's eyes until they drive off the road and into a local volcano or toxic crocodile/sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads pit.
What Happens If They Take Over The World?[edit | edit source]
It's not nice to think about, I know, but they will eventually. Recent studies show that pigeons can take on the form of humans (An example would be John Prescott) and this will give them the advantage over us, who can't change form. When the inevitable happens though, the best thing we can do is just get our rifles out, and shoot everyone who walks funny.
Kinds of pigeons[edit | edit source]
- Passenger Pigeons, extinct flightless pigeons who relied on other pigeons for flying.
- Carrier pigeons, pigeons who carry radio frequencies and were also used by Passenger Pigeons for flight.
- Rock Pigeons, pigeons who enjoy rock music.
- Homing pigeons, domesticated Rock Pigeons used as homing missiles.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Pigs
- Eons
- Dr. N.M. Pettit, noted expert