- Yes to be confused with here
“If it weren't for women, ears would be perfect for listening to things. And one of those things would be me — playing my saxophone.”
The ear is a tool that allows transport of loud, obscene sounds from a CD player to a preschooler's head. They also eat people.
As with eyes, scientists have little to no understanding of the ear. Most humans are born with an ear on each side of the head. The ear's main purpose throughout history has been similar to that of Christmas trees: a dangly thing from which to hang stuff.
Other Fun Uses[edit | edit source]
- Licking it.
- Eating it.
- Making it read Illogicopedia.
- Making it hit Illogicopedia.
Sound[edit | edit source]
Unfortunately, the aesthetic value it provides is overridden by the ear's main disadvantage: it allows humans to perceive sound. Time and time again, this sixth sense has caused unresolvable problems.
Tower of Babble[edit | edit source]
When the world was created in the year 32000768 AC, only women had ears and only men had mouths. The world was in a paradise-like state. The world was peaceful and communication was a problem that did not yet exist. Men and women would pair up for a short time, and wander the earth. When they got bored, they would find a new partner.
College football was invented in the year 5600 AC. This quickly resulted in the discovery of kissing, as people learned to express happiness at touchdowns. However, the experience lacked something. Marilyn Monroe, who was born about this time, realized that this was due to their lack of a mouth.
She encouraged her then boyfriend, Mickey Rooney, to build a large bonfire with which to appease the gods and plead for mouths for women. He wouldn't, so she left him and hooked up with Arthur Miller. Having never touched a woman before, ever, he was unable to resist her requests.
He built the bonfire, climbed to the top, and alighting himself, he made the request. For some reason, it was granted, women were granted, men received ears, and only minor differences remained between the sexes.
Problems[edit | edit source]
Communication[edit | edit source]
Perhaps the biggest and most obvious problems resulting from the presence of functional ears on the human head is that of communication.
Stand Up Comedy[edit | edit source]
Mainly relying on the transmission of sound from mouth to ear, stand up comedians purport to share witty observation about the world. Often such "observations" are neither witty nor observable in real life. Mime is a superior art.
Disease[edit | edit source]
One problem that had no foreseeable solution is that of hearing STD, often contracted by promiscuous old people.
Vincent Van Gogh[edit | edit source]
Vincent Van Gogh had the right idea when he chopped his ear off, although he most likely did not succeed in eliminating the root problem: obtaining and processing external sounds.