Employment Prescreening Questionnaire
Thank you for your interest in employment with Illogicopedia. In order to get to know you better, we need to know a few simple things about you.
1. If you saw a co-worker stealing, you would:
- (a) Ignore it - they were stealing yucky garbage and their indigestion is their own problem.
- (b) Demand a cut of the loot.
- (c) Bust into the bathroom to report it to the manager IMMEDIATELY, who currently has his pants down.
- (d) Videotape it and post it to You-tube.
- (e) Make a citizen's arrest and CUFF EM!
2. In the past year you have stolen:
- (a) Pennies left on the floor by unknown persons
- (b) Dirty looks at your supervisor when his/her back was turned
- (c) The heart of at least one coworker, who is unfortunately, ugly, and also obsessed with you.
- (d) Away to the Bahamas while you were taking "sick leave".
- (e) All of the above.
3. When in a stressful situation, you tend to:
- (a) Speed up and do fast, but sloppy work
- (b) Slow down and do accurate but painfully slow work (annoying all the customers in line)
- (c) Panic and jump out a window
- (d) Fart a lot
- (e) Yell at the top of your lungs at whomever is to blame for your stress while shaking them back and forth.
4. I am honest:
- (a) All of the time - even when I have to tell somebody they are FUGLY, and STUPID too.
- (b) Most of the time - except when I tell white lies (as opposed to red lies, purple lies, and green lies, but white lies are prettier)
- (c) Some of the time - you can believe what comes out of my mouth about 50% of the time.
- (d) Occasionally - when it benefits me
- (e) Never - don't ever believe a single word I'm telling you. Including this one: Pfargtl! Because I always lie. I'm lying. Right now. This sentence is not true.
5. My coworkers trust me:
- (a) To tattle on them whenever they do the slightest thing wrong
- (b) To show up on time but then do nothing all day
- (c) To try my hardest but fail anyways
- (d) As a close friend who will lend them money - that's why I'm always broke
- (e) To hold huge parties at my cool crib and come to work hung over the next day
6. I am a natural born leader:
- (a) That's right! I'm BOSS and everybody around me better acknowledge it or else!
- (b) I collaborate with others, then ignore their input, but it makes them feel better.
- (c) Who, me?
- (d) Not me! I don't wanna take annoying customer complaints and fire people!
- (e) PICKLES!
- (a) Every 5 minutes. At this rate I'll be dead in 2 weeks anyway, so you won't have to fire me.
- (b) Every hour - I work better when I'm drunk, high, or stoned. I drive better too...uh oh (CRASH)
- (c) Just pot and beer, and never on company time, so it shouldn't be any of the company's beeswax, unless one of their clients sees me drunk or high away from the jobsite. Oh, and I LOVE poppyseed muffins.
- (d) Never tried either one - because I had no friends in high school, or college either for that matter.
- (e) Does CHOCOLATE count as a drug?
8. I am most likely to wear the following to a job interview:
- (a) A miniskirt
- (b) A kilt
- (c) Braces and glasses
- (d) A tie with a coffee stain on it
- (e) Wrinkled shirt or blouse
9. I am most like this animal (pick one of the following):
- (a) Xenoceratops
- (b) Purple spined, triple-tailed snork-head
- (c) Monkey on a sugar high
- (d) Harpie
- (e) Squirrel at a picnic
10. If you were stuck in a lift with Hitler you would...
- (a) Play pong
- (b) Play bingo
- (c) Play bingo and pong
- (d) Play bingo and pong simultaneously
- (e) Merge bingo and pong into each other and play as one game
11. What is a toilet commonly used as?
- (a) A hat
- (b) A portal into the 11th dimension
- (c) To store the brown stuff
- (d) A novelty bazooka
- (e) A loudspeaker
How did you do?
If you answered a, b, c, d, or e to any of the questions, then sorry, but your profile does not meet our requirements at this time. And you thought we actually had positions open? Joke's on you, sucker!
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