Excerpts from the diary of Reverend Increase Mather, 18th century preacher
BEHOLD!
This is the long lost diary of the preacher Increase Mather (born 1639, died 1723), recovered in a historical expedition last month, and now transcribed in full onto Illogicopedia.
Day One[edit | edit source]
Dear Diary,
Today, I saw several red shoes. Red. There were a bunch of red shoes, and some blue ones. And I saw a yellow one. I counted them. Then I forgot the number. I like shoes. That's about all that happened today.
Day Two[edit | edit source]
Dear Diary,
Today, I gave a sermon. In the bathtub. I was taking a bath, and I said it to my rubber duck. He was impressed. Then I strangled him and ate him.
Day Three[edit | edit source]
Dear Diary,
Dear Diary,
Dear Diary,
Today I can't...seem....to finish anything...OH! They are sugar-free. Sorry about that.
Cannibal!
Cannibal!
Cannibal!
Day Four[edit | edit source]
Dear Diary:
I noticed today that it removing a band-aid often hurts you more than the wound it was covering. Wait, band-aids haven't been invented yet, have they? My mistake. They don't exist. Maybe that's why they hurt.
Day Seven[edit | edit source]
I skipped some days. Oops, I forgot to write "dear diary." I just did. Oh well, it's out of order, but I don't suppose that matters too much. Sentence order isn't as important as some people think it is. Matter of fact, I think I'll write tomorrow's diary entry in a wrong sentence order. Just to show them. As a side note, I ate bacon today. It tasted considerably better than the duck, but there is no bacon clan. Not that I know anything about that. It's impossible to minimize a solid object. So I'll open a box and sit in it.
Day Eight[edit | edit source]
I wondered if the words would get cluttered up inside the cow leather, and decided to cut it open and see. Why not all TIME? It caused quite a lot of agony, and became the subject of a diary entry several days previously. I talked to it for quite some time, before realizing that I hadn't tied a cup to the duck's end of the string. Then I remembered that band-aids don't exist yet. Well, if it's possible for today's entry to be jumbled like this, why not the day it was based on? So yeah, that was my day. I missed. It's not going to be as easy as I initially thought. I took a mug, an empty beer mug, and tied some cow leather rope to the bottom of it. Then I came inside to write this. I put a band-aid on it. A lot of scissors and glue will doubtlessly be involved. How is that possible, you ask? But anyway, today I decided to make one of those phones. If you recall, today is the day I promised myself I'd make my sentences out of order. I cut my finger instead. I regurgitated the duck so I could talk to it. I put it in one room, and carried my end to another room. The ones with a cup and string.
Day Nine[edit | edit source]
Today. Dear Diary. Today. Dear Diary. That's what it was that inspired me in the first place...that's what it was...
Day Ten[edit | edit source]
Today I started the Salem Witch trials. I woke up, and started them. Then I took a nap. I may have been napping the whole day. I think I'm asleep now.
Day Elebben[edit | edit source]
UNNACcEPTABLe, she said. UnnaCCEPtable...GETTYSBURG! Yet another town, actuallly, in England, n ot AMerica. Cowlick, in spite of this, I can truly say....
enough rambling. today
i didn't
capitalize any
thing
other
than the word s
that i alrewady
Day Twelve[edit | edit source]
Today, I bumped into the same tree nine hundred times in a row. I decided to chop it down. I did. I was quite happy to have defeated it. On my way back home, I tripped over it and broke my arm.
Day Thirteen[edit | edit source]
Writing a diary is quite boring. I shall stop. But first, I shall writeth a poem. It seems I forgot until this moment that I wast supposed to be writing in this preposterous tone.
Actually, never mind about the poem, I'll just pour tea on my diary instead so it will look like I wrote one, then it was smudged. Yeah. Good idea. Darn, I have no tea. Perhaps I should just cover the page with band-aids. Oh wait, Band-Aids still doesn't exist. I should bury it instead because I think people from the future would be able to release it to the world.