Pork is evil

Pork is evil.

As wide as the gulf of understanding may be between the Muslims and the Jews, this much they can agree on: Pork is evil.

Of course, they'll continue their fervid debate on the relative merits of the Qu'ran vs. the Torah, but when it comes to casting their scorn before swine, they're "Brothers in Argghhh!!!" Because pork is evil.

The Palestinians and the Israelites will continue to war over the occupation of the West Bank. But they'll be no war over "What's for dinner?", because it won't be pork. If you hadn't heard -- pork is evil.

Feel free to disagree passionately, while foolishly attempting to tempt me with the savory scent of frying bacon in the background. Do your worst. Strap me to a chair at the breakfast table, and subject me to the devilish tune of its snap, crackle, pop in an iron skillet. Wave a strip of glistening doom within inches of my face, gently waggling it to and fro, like some beckoning finger inviting me to eternal damnation in a one room suite at La Casa de Satanás.

It won't work. I've seen the light, and pork is the work of the Prince of Darkness. Forget all that talk you've heard about chocolate cake being devil's food. You know better.

Force me at gunpoint to watch never-ending re-runs of Weird Science, and that scene where big bad Chet suggests, "How about a nice, greasy pork sandwich, served in a dirty ashtray?" I might bend, but you can't break me. I'll just be wondering how Hollywood producers figured that a dork like Anthony Michael Hall could make the leap from a stereotypical geek in films like that and "The Breakfast Club", to studly, leading man roles in films like Johnny Be Good. It was a dead end. Dead like you'll be, unless you forsake that swine flesh.

It's beyond religion, beyond geography, beyond reason. But it is. It just is.

Pork is evil, and bacon is slaughter.