HowTo:Drive a Car on LSD

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"MOTHER NEED TOILET AND SPOON."

So you took some LSD and you suddenly get the idea to drive to your mother's and give her the toilet seat and fistful of spoons you have been carrying around for what seems like hours. So you are driving down the highway, and you suddenly realize that you can't tell how fast you are going, where you are, what your name is, if reality exists, etc...

Step 1

Put the car in park on level ground and apply the parking brake. Place manual transmission cars in gear. Make sure you have pulled off the road. Turn the engine off and turn on the hazard lights. You may want to open the hood to indicate to other drivers that you are stopped for repairs.

Place a wheel chock or a large rock behind (if facing uphill) or in front (if facing downhill) the diagonally opposing wheel to prevent the car from rolling. Do this even on a slight incline. Get out the spare, a lug nut wrench (tire iron) and the car jack.

Remove the hubcap, if necessary.

Step 2

Loosen the lug nuts, which hold the wheel in place, before jacking up the car: Place one end of the lug nut wrench over a lug nut. Use a hollow pipe (about 2 feet in length) for leverage by slipping it over the end of the lug nut wrench. Turn the wrench counterclockwise to loosen the lug nut. Loosen the lug nuts in a star pattern, first loosen one a few turns, then loosen the one opposite. Work across the tire until all the lug nuts are loose and unscrewed slightly. I know, I know, every passing car could kill you instantly, but continue to do as instructed, because you've lost your mind and this is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

Step 3

Carefully jack up the car. Check your owner's manual for the correct and safe place to put the jack. Jack the car up a little higher than is necessary. Just a little higher. A little more.

Remove the lug nuts all the way and throw them at passing cars. The tire should be hanging from the threaded studs now.

Step 4

"A new home for your entrails."

Remove the tire and start booking it across the 8 lane freeway. Don't forget your toilet seat or fistful of spoons. When you get to the median, you may want to take a moment to relieve yourself of any built up urine in your bladder - but not against the median - you must use the median to lean up against so you don't fall over. If you play with yourself a little bit, that's perfectly fine, but don't linger too long, you don't want to catch a case of the cops.

Step 5

You suddenly realize you are standing in a Grocery Store Parking lot, and have no idea how you got there. You can't find the toilet seat or the spoons, and you aren't wearing any pants. Luckily you have underwear on but they are wet. You notice you have a pillow with Elmo's World prints. Don't fret, this is normal. Press your face into this pillow and scream, scream as much as you can and vent into it, you can swear into it and cry. It is ok to cry in public, even if you aren't wearing any pants.

You should probably ask someone for help at this point, but make sure to ask an elderly person because you can always trust him. Preferably an elderly lady. Run up to her as fast as possible to express the urgency. Explain to her that you've lost your spoons and toilet seat, and you need to borrow her purse as resources to find your mind, and kindly exchange it for the pillow. You don't need her permission because permissions are controlling and your mind is now free, even if you've completely lost it. She might struggle, but it's ok - she is just testing you to see how important it is to find your mind again. The more violent you are, the more she will understand.

"Don't stare too long, it will stick."

Step 24: Hang the purse around your neck so you don't lose it, and find your way to the back of the Grocery store as quickly as possible, because those giant purple gorillas are real, and they want to slaughter you. As soon as you arrive, hide behind the dumpster and squat down, because it's easiest to pounce up and run away in case anything is coming to get you. Remove the lipstick from her purse, and put it on your lips liberally. This will make you more attractive to passers-by.

Step 6

The sun is going down, and the purple gorillas ARE coming to get you. Hop the fence and head for the daycare center across the street, as there is a small playhouse that will be a perfect place to hide until you figure out who you are.

The fence was easy to hop, despite the fact that it was made out of leeches, and there are still children playing in in the yard and they are all staring at you. Now might be a good time to explain to them that there are purple gorillas on the loose and they want to gut them like a fish. Don't worry if what you are saying is incoherent. Ask them if they want to put on the lipstick as a gesture of good will.

You just blacked out again - and you are lying in your neighbor's yard with a diaper on and crosses superglued all over your body. This is normal. Proceed inside, as it is probably not a good idea to be wandering around outside on LSD.