IllogiNews:Alternate universes? You're soaking in one now!

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This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Madge the Hand Goddess forces a satirical bent on an otherwise serious topic of conversation. Hah hah hah, Madge.

DADAR, Universe 5,339,197 -- Depending on which universe you're in just this moment, things are already happening. You're lucky. In some universes, nothing happens at all. I mean Nada, zip and all that. Really.

While the Bilderberg Group considers our measly fates, Burmese (excuse me, Myanmarese? That looks funny.) particle physicists debate the existence of time as discreet, incredibly small packets, much like the little sugar packets you steal from IHOP.

In my younger days, I equated going out to a Chinese restaurant with drinking Scorpion Bowls, a foul concoction of fruit juices and liquors, customarily served in a big bowl with four straws and a little raised section in the center with a flaming shot of Bacardi 151. This research led to the discovery that drinking copious amounts of scorpion fluids does not confer wisdom, nor does it facilitate access to alternate universes. Nor does Chinese food, with or without alcohol, confer mystical powers on the devotee.

The secret to eternal life and maintaining optimal genital health, ultimately, will not be found in an alternate universe. On the other hand, Madge the Hand Goddess will tell you, "Alternate universes? You're soaking in one now!" Don't belittle her mystical abilities. I've seen her eat a pineapple whole. No chewing involved. She will mess you up.