IllogiNews:Giant Flesh Eating Fish Invade World
This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages. |
Bombay, India
It all started early in the week with Ed Wehan of Ventura, New Hampshire who was attacked by a monster 1800 pound roosterfish that was living out of Hotel Punta Colorada, while fishing off of a 25 ft. inflatable banana. The roosterfish, normally a small, harmless, catfish-like fish that sounds like a rooster, has evolved to breathe air, fire, bananas, and several types of nerve gas. It's also gained the ability to hover, and shoot magic missile from it's anus.
Later this week we had a run of monster roosterfish in India. On Thursday, Jawaharlal Rhamallamadingdong of Mumbai was killed by a 898 pound roosterfish. While fishing aboard a 22 foot elephant named Rude Baby, Mr.Rhamallamadingdong went to turn the elephant back to shore when the roosterfish rose from the depths, swallowing Mr. Rhamallamadingdong whole, along with his electronic fish finder, which, ironically, failed to detect the fish that brought him to his doom. The fish was then seen hovering above the city, where is was though to be a odd blimp until it began to fire magic missile, leveling buildings used for cover by the 3,004 million people that live in Mumbai. This roosterfish took over 3 hours to land before it devoured all 3,004 million people in one mighty cluck. The fish was landed near hotel Punta Colorada, and declared itself leader. Our correspondent John Walraven of Clovis, California had this to say:
“The locals have told me of a theory that this monster has grown extra large on a diet of partially burnt corpses. It has perhaps got this taste for flesh by feasting on remains of firebanana victims. The fish are known to spawn by biting, but not killing, small human children, after being bitten, the children gain the abiities of the roosterfish, and quickly grow to over 30 feet tall, before exploding into hundreds of giant, hovering roosterfish. There will be a few freak individuals that grow bigger than the other ones and if you throw in extra food, they will grow even bigger.”
As if this was not enough great news, the roosterfish numbers continue to rise, with over 700 attacks this week. I know I’ve said this before, but this is really turning out to be a year to remember. Don’t miss out on what is turning out to be some of the best carnage in 20 years. We hope to see you all down here real soon.
Then on Saturday, two more roosterfish initiated attacks on Englishmen. One of the fish was estimated at 600 pounds. The second weighed close to 800 pounds. As soon as I get more details on these two giants I will pass the information on to you. This is a great sign to see such devastation so early in the season.