IllogiNews:Horoscopes for January, 2011

This article is part of IllogiNews, your sauce for chips and sausages.

Here are your horoscopes for this fine month.

• Aries - You are going to get attacked by giant ferocious moth balls.
• Taurus - Carnivorous monkeys are going to attack you for your big bowl of trail mix delight imported from Singapore.
• Gemini - Upon your trip to Hell, a dinosaur will inform you that you never will be coming back to your previous destination.
• Cancer - Whuh?
• Leo - A big hamburger will steal your soul and sell it on eBay.
• Virgo - Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, Bill O'Reilly, and Jon Stewart will beat you up for your banana. Taylor Swift may join as well.
• Libra - Just eat it.
• Scorpio - George Dubya Bush will eat your cat. No kidding.
• Sagittarius - The position of Saturn says that everyone will pound you to the ground because of that goofy hat you're wearing. Seriously.
• Capricorn - Well, let's just say you've got an awful lot of explaining to do.
• Aquarius - No. Just say no.
• Pisces - The position of Pluto says that you will inherit a great fortune. Not really, it's a lie. Expect a new toilet to crash through your bedroom window.
• Fishy thing- You will suck an egg.
• I give up- Yes.