IllogiZoo:Koopa

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Koopa
Gary Cooper in High Noon 1952.JPG
A Gary Koopa in its natural habitat, 1945
Conservation Status
  Endangered  
Kingdom Animalia
Phylum Chordata
Class Ichthys
Order Swimmy things
Family Beagles
Genus Tough Dude
Species H. Koopa
Weight 1.5 - 199kg. (avg)
Length 0.5 - 2.6meters
Binomial Name
Hummus Koopa

“KOOPA FOOTBALL PLAYERS GRABBED THE PRINCESS!”

~ Mama Luigi on Koopa Football Players grabbing The Princess

Koopa (plural: Koopae) come in many shapes and sizes. One of them is Blue-Shelled Koopa, which is of average size but particularly stronger than it's redder cousins. Why is this? Scientists speculate it has to do with Blue Raspberry being a better Airhead flavor than Cherry, and the physical dominance of Blue over Red is god's way of telling nature that he loves candy.

Red-Shelled Koopas are sliced tomatoes that strangely enough can play football. If you play football, be cautious because you may see tomato slices; these, in fact[citration needed], are Koopa Football Players that use regulation size 8 footballs made out of Luigi's mustache. These Koopas, although good on burgers, fall through your throat hard, pummeling your stomach and causing a deafening "POW!" to be heard. Looks especially good on monkeys, who find the sound a delicious color.

Gary Koopa was another famous Koopa variation. Often imitated by desperate Fred Astaire-type Koopae, but never equaled, the Gary Koopae were a proud and handsome race. For this reason they were hunted to extinction by greedy Fred Astaire-type Koopae who would sell the "Gary Pelts", as they are often called, to Dutch merchants for many, many lira.

Chalupa[edit]

Koopae are possibly most notorious for their cameos in the Super Mario Brothers franchise games as dramatizations of themselves. The key word here is dramatizations; most Koopas aren't like that at all. They're not evil or conniving or anything. Heck, they don't even resemble turtles. Does this look like a turtle to you?

King 2.jpg

Seriously, could a person named Hopper ever be a turtle? He looks more like a wabbit to me.