Fish
Remember to always wipe your fish; neglecting to do so could have terrible consequences. Wiping your fish will also grant you the high, valuable - not to mention fishy - title of fishwiper.
Once the fish has been wiped, beware of the resulting fishwipe, especially if the fish in question is salmon, as it then no doubt will attract the fierce salmon moose from its gruesome hiding place - the Illogicopedia Pipeline. Fish cheeses the meep within the moose backwards moon inside nose!
Historical Uses[edit | edit source]
- See also: Fish lubricant
Some fish, salmon in particular, were once used to convey unbearable messages, though bears stopped them and their fishy business dead in their tracks. As for the messages, they were and remain most messy. Trust me, you don't want to mess with them. If you do, it's just a matter of time before the moon bites you, turning you into warty smog! Fish also wear waterproof casts made of Vaseline to protect their fins.
Current Uses[edit | edit source]
Signing a fish[edit | edit source]
Upon finding a fish, it is common practice to sign it like a cast (once wiped, that is). And by "sign", I don't mean to write out some wussy signature on it. (unless done using fishwipe, the greatness of which would no doubt make up for it to some degree. heck, if repeated enough times, those degrees could even accumulate to warm up the fish! and then it would eat you, silly – so don't!) No, I mean to create a sign. A glorious, magnificent - not to mention fishy - sign. Signifying great fishiness in more than one way!
Now, then, once you have signed your fish, what do you do with it? Put it up somewhere, of course! If you find more fish, put the sign up right next to it, as a sign of things to come.
Not only that, but should someone ever tell you to "sign here", it'd be ever so handy; just place the sign on the line and you'll have fulfilled the requirement! Not to mention that a signed fish is so much better than a regular fishy signature. It no doubt would be a most appreciated substitution, marking you as a trustworthy person of the fishiest... err, finest sort!
Food[edit | edit source]
- See also: Fish and chips
Fish can be heated by repeatedly writing a signature on it using fishwipe until the friction makes it catch on fire! Muhahaha!
And then it will eat you, like any good food. And it will taste delicious! Yummy. Especially if the fish is hairy, and you have had a lot of lemon juice. I for one, will never tire of it, unless the fish is peppered with used tires. As is common practice, unfortunately. At least among the fishiest of restaurants.
Signing fishwipe[edit | edit source]
Using the very own fishwipe of a fish to thus warm it up is considered a most eeble practice. You can also use a fish to write a signature in fishwipe, thus signing the fishwipe. If the fishwipe is already located on a sign – perhaps due to a fish being wiped onto it – the fishwipe will become doubly signed! And regardless, the fishwipe will become twice as fishy! Beware of such fishwipe, because it is so fishy that the mere sight of it will make your jaw drop and lie around clattering on the floor.
Clatter so hard that moose will no doubt hear it and, once they smell the fishwipe, examine your mouth! And they make the most wretchedly horrible of dentists. Why, my teeth have all been misaligned since the great moos of the moose made them vibrate so hard that people mistook me for a tuna fish for weeks!
I felt incredibly fishy, and it didn't get any better when a bass player beat me up. I looked like carp afterwards! But I got my revenge, slapping him silly with a large trout. For some reason, he changed his name to Salmonella afterwards.
Recent Controversy[edit | edit source]
It has come out recently that fish, in reality, are really just vegetables, and society has been fooled this whole time.
See also[edit | edit source]
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