IllogiZoo:Koopa

Koopa
A Gary Koopa in its natural habitat, 1945
Conservation Status
Endangered
Kingdom	Animalia
Phylum	Chordata
Class	Ichthys
Order	Swimmy things
Family	Beagles
Genus	Tough Dude
Species	H. Koopa
Weight	1.5 - 199kg. (avg)
Length	0.5 - 2.6meters
Binomial Name
Hummus Koopa

“KOOPA FOOTBALL PLAYERS GRABBED THE PRINCESS!”

~ Mama Luigi on Koopa Football Players grabbing The Princess

Koopa (plural: Koopae) come in many shapes and sizes. One of them is Blue-Shelled Koopa, which is of average size but particularly stronger than it's redder cousins. Why is this? Scientists speculate it has to do with Blue Raspberry being a better Airhead flavor than Cherry, and the physical dominance of Blue over Red is god's way of telling nature that he loves candy.

Red-Shelled Koopas are sliced tomatoes that strangely enough can play football. If you play football, be cautious because you may see tomato slices; these, in fact , are Koopa Football Players that use regulation size 8 footballs made out of Luigi's mustache. These Koopas, although good on burgers, fall through your throat hard, pummeling your stomach and causing a deafening "POW!" to be heard. Looks especially good on monkeys, who find the sound a delicious color.

Gary Koopa was another famous Koopa variation. Often imitated by desperate Fred Astaire-type Koopae, but never equaled, the Gary Koopae were a proud and handsome race. For this reason they were hunted to extinction by greedy Fred Astaire-type Koopae who would sell the "Gary Pelts", as they are often called, to Dutch merchants for many, many lira.

Chalupa

Koopae are possibly most notorious for their cameos in the Super Mario Brothers franchise games as dramatizations of themselves. The key word here is dramatizations; most Koopas aren't like that at all. They're not evil or conniving or anything. Heck, they don't even resemble turtles. Does this look like a turtle to you?

Seriously, could a person named Hopper ever be a turtle? He looks more like a wabbit to me.