“Eureka! I found gold in my lunch box!”
“That's no gold, that's an old tuna fish sandwich!”
“Damn, you you stupid brick! I was trying to savor the moment!”
“Well don't worry, tuna fish tastes quite delicious when it's eight months old! And it smells good, too!”
“Really? In that case, I'll go eat it!”
Let's see what we have today, shall we? A rotting fish carcass, a pair of pink gloves, village cheese, a limp carrot, and Carcinogen's Energy Drink. Sounds like quite the healthy and balanced lunch. I'm glad my mother packs it for me, it's always a surprise when I come to school. People get paid money to eat parts of my breakfast, mainly because they think it's alive. Really, that's just all the maggots crawling over it. No worries. They are full of protein.
All of this joy is found within the realms of my lunch box. My lunch box is my ultimate companion; it protects me from demons as well as rabid penguins. I always nourish it with encouraging little phrases, like "You're so cool, you're my friend" and "You're the biggest lunch box ever. You're so big, you could hold Queen Latifah!" However, sometimes my lunch box slips into random bits of insanity. There's no need to worry, he won't eat you, only both of your legs.
Brain Power[edit | edit source]
Most lunch boxes support the mental capacity of a shovel, and this is not a bad thing; as a matter of fact it is actually quite red. You see, if these lunch boxes were any smarter, they could probably take control of the earth. And the world under the control of a slightly insane box of plastic is not a delightful experience. Or at least for those squirrels. You see, I put them in a cage with a lunch box that was slightly smarter than a shovel, it had the mental capacity of roughly a candy bracelet. It made the squirrels do horrible things... like clean the bathroom and... and... watch the history channel for hours!!
Once, there was a lunch box with the mental capacity of a magnet, nearly ten times larger than a shovel. It attempted to start a rebellion, but to no avail, merely because all of the other lunch boxes sat around and tried to scratch their backs. One even tried to ride a goat. The lunch box was bought by a kid, and he ended up having his arm eaten off. To the trash can went the box, never to be seen again.
The Lunch Inside[edit | edit source]
My lunch box has had many things inside. A lot of memorable things, too, because I remember them. I think. Some goody-good kids with nice parents get their gross lunches with apples and peanut butter sandwiches, but anyone with sensible parents has a lunch much better than that. Take me for example, the other day I had a piece of the Statue of Liberty in my lunch. I mean how flippin' cool? Now in my stomach I have part of great American history. This loser has bread, I have broken glass. That hurts your throat a bit, but still. Way better than your stupid sandwich. Lunches with things that are hardly edible are the best.
Sometimes lunch boxes produce their own lunches, which they secrete through small pores on the inside. When it doesn't do this, it relies on the mothers of innocent children. Sometimes, if they have a sanity crisis as the mother is packing up the lunch inside them, they will eat the mother.
The most famous lunch of all time belonged to Timmy, a small left handed kid in North Alaskas. His mom packed him something so amazing that the press came to the school and interviewed Timmy. He had Al Capone's left shoe in his lunch, along with Jesus's hand. Despite the fame, it was in fact his lunch, so he later devoured the items, much to the disliking of Christians and Mafia members. His hunger was satisfied.
Political Influence[edit | edit source]
Lunch boxes, despite popular belief, can actually make a difference in life, besides ripping the limbs of innocent people off. Many famous politicians have lunch boxes, or at least did, until they got pissed at it for taking up too much space in their "damned attic". "Ah, I remember you. Good ol' box your are. Go piss off, will ya?" they say. But this action is what made Dick Cheney famous. He disposed of his lunch box, but then he had an epiphany, which made him join politics. However, this lunch box came back and bit Dick in the butt, which made his hair go wild.