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Mouse Trap[edit | edit source]
In the beginning was the heaven and the earth, and apparently the soap[edit | edit source]
During the Big-Chin dynasty of Ireland, deep from the dark pits of heck a shadow was cast. Though the caster of the shadow was insignificant, and to some people edible, the shadow was huge and misinterpreted disastrously causing the heck inmates, who were enjoying a shower of fire, to shiver with fear. Cowering in fear one of them lost concentration, the precious soap slipped between his fingers and landed just out of reach onto the asphalt of the shower floor. The inmates ears were finely tuned to hearing the sound of soap on the floor and before the unlucky inmate had time to even think about picking it up a thousand men were watching him expectantly. The mouse slipped by unnoticed.
Nevertheless the Higher Beings had known this would happen because the Dice of Fate had predicted it would. And what the dice said always happened (well, except for when they were being anul or trying to chat up the Chess Pieces of Mob-Rule). The higher beings guffawed into their gruel at the site of the heck inmates scrambling around together for the soap on the shower floor. What a clever ruse it had been to place a torch there so huge scary shadows were cast by passing vermin. As they were laughing (laughing in a way similar to girl-scouts) they didn't take notice of the first beast. The creature, bearing a crumpet and clad in shining spiderman pyjamas appeared before them and blasted a single solemn note through its crumpet. The shrill blast unlocked a door in the forbidden Fortress of Solitude. An "Italian-stalion" of a large metal ball sinisterly rolled out before the Higher Beings. The Higher Beings, now occupied tickling peacocks with Elmo's fur took little notice of the proceedings until their mother who was washing the Dishes of Filthiness screamed that the Divine hand would spank the Higher Beings' Rectums of Cheekiness if "they didn't shut the f**k up and get on with their homework!". Calming down they began their homework and together grudgingly created the Wobbly Stairs of Short-Sightedness. This was a hidden runway for the sinister giant metal ball to tumble down, crushing all that it fell on. However only one part of the Rapture of Ineptitude had manifested itself so far, so the giant metal ball, soaked with lambs' blood, was chained away in a flimsy plastic bucket awaiting the Boot of Clarity.
"Lard Lad" dies 83, monument is built as a lasting reminder of his contribution to society[edit | edit source]
Down below, past the iron bars and the stairway to heaven the lower mortals were holding some kind of primitive gathering, a round guy in some sort of tightly fitting striped set of robes was speaking to the crowd from a platform.
The man mopped the torrent of sweat from his monobrow and looked longingly at the swimming pool opposite him. The children in there appeared to be mocking him with their dives and snorkels and splashes and coughs? Coughs? Oh right, someone's cough had woken him. He had been dozing peacefully, sprawled over the pedestal in front of the sweaty disgruntled crowd. He took it from their grumblings and the odd words that floated absently through his mind that they were feeling the heat as well. The man went considerably more red and returned quickly to his dull speech. Why did they have to host this bloody thing on the hottest day of the year? Continuing on half-heartedly, he rambled through his dull speech to his long lost audience, some of whom were slowly shuffling towards the exit. If only I had been given the other assignment; I'd be unveiling a jacuzzi in that shiny new beauty parlour right about now. But the boss didn't think he had the right image to promote a beauty salon. What can possibly be more beautiful than a large unshaven
gorilla man in desperate need of a shower?
"And now I unveil to you the new Ironworks doughnut! To be forever idolised in the eyes of London's poor and hungry!" The man breathed a heavy sigh of relief and waddled off stage towards the pool. Personally he thought the doughnut was too big, and besides, it's completely unrelated to the iron works building it was resting on. He was also slightly apprehensive about the way it was perched on the seemingly fragile scaffolding over the swimming pool, he took care to walk out of it's shadow as he crossed the lawn. But then his thoughts were immersed in water, sweet sweet chlorinated water. Lost in dreamy thoughts of swimming and floating the man stripped off and plunged in.
Engorged to the size of a small child and attracting attention from park rangers due to prolonged exposure of heck shower-floor radiation, the mouse darted past the crowd into the park next to the swimming pool.
And now Spring Watch with Bill Oddie[edit | edit source]
The sloped roof of the swimming pool tool-shed, apart from hiding numerous dead pool-offenders who had been spray-painted to camouflague with the roof, was supporting a giant unstable drug-dealing oak tree in the park opposite using a set of cleverly placed tightly-fitting sentuous nylon (NYLON!) ropes and the medium of dance. The tree was the pinacle of the park, watered every day by a little old man known only as "Horace". The ropes holding the tree vibrated slightly when the fat speech-man
drowning bombed into the pool.
Due to a large spillage of slinkies and matress springs around the park an emergency live version of "Spring Watch" was commisioned. Bill Oddie was wzooming in on a lesser-spotted slinky with his crudely constructed duck-binoculars. The angry country folk had been tracking Bill for weeks and had finally found a clean shot, they sat motionless in the bushes, waiting for the signal to sniper him. The angry country folk were unwittingly underneath a tree full of disgruntled foxes who had played too many violent videogames about killing the upper-class, One of the foxes had dropped some cheese under the old drug-dealing oak during a high powered game of croquet and the swollen mouse, traumatised and turned emo from it's experiences in heck, sat under the unstable tree nibbling on the cheese whilst pondering Oscar Wilde's literary brilliance.
The Rapture of Ineptitude[edit | edit source]
The Higher Beings had finished their homework, and having given mum the slip, were now playing rugby near the Wobbly Stairs of Short-Sightedness. The Boot of Clarity's amazing floral power was being used for the important purpose of conversions - seeing as the higher beings were little sissies who couldn't beat up a midget in a blindfold let alone kick a rugby ball. 70 points in, a stray volley made contact with a falling dead cat, deflecting the shot onto the flimsy plastic bucket containing the sinister metal ball.
A noise like a questionably wet fart rang out through heaven as the metal ball trundled slowly down the stair case gathering speed. It caught some air on the Stairway to Heaven and crashed through the barrier of time and space; The higher beings quickly ran into the house and pretended to be asleep.
The masked cannibals working in the iron works building were occupying their lunch break on the roof, sitting in the shade of the great doughnut. They were eating dead babies and swapping highly amusing anecdotes about the Great Corpse Feast, when suddenly a swirling purple
pretzel gateway appeared above them in the sky. Some of the cannibals ran inside whilst others pulled out a knife and fork and licked their lips expectantly , (well except for one cannibal who had to set up a bib and high-chair before pulling out his plastic knife and spork). An odd sound started to come from the swirling mass. As the cannibals argued amongst themselves who had let one rip, the sound grew steadily louder and more bowel-esque with each second that passed. Like an asthmatic smoker the rift seemed to exhale a cloud of dust, shortly followed by something much bigger. From within the coughing hole a giant gleaming metal ball flew out and hurtled towards the roof; not deterring the hungry cannibals in the slightest. Knocking down several cannibals and demoting the rest to the bottom rung of the food chain, it thundered along the roof before knocking the replica doughnut clean off the building.
The doughnut fell like a fat sack of crap into the swimming pool below, propelling a rather obese bespectacled ginger kid his rubber raft onto the sloped pool shed roof as if it were a giant ramp. Dodging several mutilated pool offenders the raft flew off of the roof taking the ropes supporting the drug-dealing oak with it. Too interested in the cheese the mouse didn't hear the oak sell it's final spliff, or the creak of it's trunk giving way, it didn't notice the growing shadow around it - it never stood a chance! What ensued didn't make good family viewing and htus shouldn't be elaborated upon, but nevertheless I love gore and so should you. The mouse's torso was crushed by the tree causing the head to shoot off, mouth-open and with a spitting tail of blood and brain juice, into the far-off distance where it eventually landed on some one's lap and bit them in the groin.
A happy Ending?[edit | edit source]
Despite the death, destruction, potato salad, and mass-panic created by the rapture it was a largely positive event for nearly all:
The higher beings learned a valuable lesson and took a step closer to maturity. The fat speech giving man learned how to empathise with flat fish, seeing as the falling doughnut had crushed him into a pancake-like-object occupying the bottom of the pool, in fact he wasn't disapointed about this all, now he could see up peoples swimming costumes without being arrested. Bill Oddie was initiated into the Secret Brotherhood of Slinkies, becoming even more fun to push down stairs. The angry country folk and the disgruntled foxes settled their differences on the philosophy channel on IRC. They later went on to build the "Agricultural Hunting Madness Centre" together: a place where farming gun-nuts and pheasants could meet together to shoot tresspassers and those damm pheasant-dog crossbreed traitors. The dead cannibals were happily consumed by their co-workers. With hindesight and their colleagues blood dripping down their uniforms, the cannibals concluded the Giant Metal Ball was more of a fitting logo for the Iron Works Building than a giant replica doughnut. The Giant Metal Doughnut was mistakenly eaten by the rather obese bespectacled ginger child who later went on to feature in televised science experiments as Lead Guinea Pig. The man who's crotch was bitten clean off by the giant flying mouse's head promptly went to the hospital and enjoyed the remainder of
his her life fruitfully under the new name of Nadia, famously appearing on Big Brother and thus becoming the world's most annoying person - luckily for humaity, heshe developed Realitytelivitus and disappeared without a trace from the media a few years later.
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Birdwatching at pub turn-out hour[edit | edit source]
“(The Sound of a naked nocturnal jogger on the street) "He heh, They only come out at night, eh Fred?"”
Secrets of My success[edit | edit source]
“Softly, Softly, always reading what the dice says and never allowing the stupid small plastic net get the upper hand. This is the how i got to where I am today. Now son, let us bask in the smell of victory.”
I am obliged by Offcom to read the following statement[edit | edit source]
“We at Offcom are terribly sorry of Testicles's infamous actions on the channel 4 program Big Brother and would like to take this oppurtunity to humbly ask for forgiveness and hope in future that Testicles will alienate more easily offendable groups of idiots. We would like to reinforce Testicles' message of inate evil and hatred to everyone. We officially and shamelessly endorse and support his plans to kill the general public with a Plain Door. Get live coverage of the Testicles Plain-Door massacre only on channel 4. Watch the tears, the heartbrake and the tender Disney induced ending live!”
Lord of The Flies[edit | edit source]
“Sauron, quit hogging the contact lense, you've only got one eye; the rest of us have hundreds”
I is from the ghetto! You is from the Ghetto! We origonated from'st the ghetto chaps![edit | edit source]
“I was eaten by the burberry monster when I were a wee lad and I got spat out here”
Bog watching[edit | edit source]
Tap on the sholder at Oxford University by MI6[edit | edit source]
This scene is dead[edit | edit source]
(Pokes the scene in the eye with a nearby wooden stick-like object (most probably a stick)).
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