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“At most places, if you're an ass, you WON'T be served, however at the proctologist, you must be an ass to be served”

“Without a doubt, the greatest scientific journey mankind has ever embarked upon.”

~ Jacques Cousteau on Proctology
Mathematician ~ Homohumanitarian ~ Sugar Daddy. Pythagoras: The Father of Proctology


Proctology is the branch of science encompassing the exploration and charting of deep crevasses, abysses, fissures, caverns, chasms, gorges, holes, pits, voids, folds, and flaps.


An initial sketch of the theoretical geometric proctological ideal.

Proctology, like many other modern scientific disciplines can trace its roots back to Ancient Greece. It began, rather humbly, with pairs of friends exchanging impromptu examinations with the tools at hand.

Lacking any tools, they used their hands.

The practice achieved formal and widespread acceptance in the 400's BC when Pythagoras made subtle alterations and claimed himself as its inventor. He devised a system whereby three individuals could form a triangle, with each participant examining each other simultaneously, and thus improving theoretical temporal efficiency by a factor of 3.

As evidenced by his subsequent influence on mathematical theory, Pythagoras' obsession with three-ways was destined for the history books.

George W. Bush displays the tool for a digital self-exam in a recent press conference on behalf of the National Association of Registered Proctologists.

Modern Tools & Technologies[edit]

Modern proctologists do still, at times, use their hands for proctological exploration, though the process has made enormous strides foward with the advent of digital technology.

Depending upon the size of the region in question, a variety of equipment may be used:

Small Crevasses within Narrow Geographical Masses[edit]

Also known as the Callista Flockhart-class. The recommended tools are:

  • Electron microscope
  • Tweezers
  • X-ray
  • Nanobots

Normal-sized Crevasses within Normal-sized but Otherwise Abnormal Geographical Masses[edit]

Also known as the Kate Moss-class. The following are suggested:

  • Anesthesia by use of controlled substances
  • Conventional digital exploratory techniques
A plumber's snake: Excellent for those 'hard to reach' places.

Abormally Large Crevasses within Normal-sized Geographical Masses[edit]

Also nicknamed the Oscar Wilde-class. Try these tools on for size:

  • Plumber's snake, 15 - 50 feet
  • Augur
  • Scuba gear
  • Anesthesia is usually not requested, and is sometimes vehemently refused if offered

Titanically Large Crevasses within Gigantic Geographical Masses[edit]

For Oprah-class explorations:

  • Anesthesia not required due to sufficient clearances
  • Use of submarines, bathyspheres, and other heavy-walled and pressure-resistant vessels[1]
  • ROV - Remotely Operated Vehicles [2]

Famous Proctologists[edit]


  1. KY® Jelly and a signed waiver recommended.
  2. Alkaline batteries required, and sold separately. Prolonged exposure to conditions of excessive heat and humidity without scheduled maintenance voids any and all warranty, except as applicable in your State or Province. Check your local listings.