The BAGEL incident
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It all began when Boulder McGee, a football player, went to a local donut shop, starving for some food.
Boulder had just won a football game in a record eight seconds by killing the entire opposing team in one tackle.
He now needed some nourishment to make up for the energy he lost in the game.
"I want a donut!" he bellowed at the cashier. The cashier, frightened by McGee's alarming appearance, mistook him for a robber.
"Don't hurt me!" sobbed the cashier. She reached behind the counter and pulled out a bagel that she threw at McGee. "This isn't a donut," said McGee angrily, "It's a BAGEL!"
He angrily threw the bagel out the window of the restaurant.
It landed in the sidewalk, where it remained undisturbed for thirty days.
Then, a homeless man named Dirk, who was on the brink of starvation, saw the slimy, insect-infested bagel and took a bite out of it. Astoundingly, it was absolutely delicious. As a matter of fact, it tasted far better than a fresh bagel.
Dirk thought long and hard. Then, inspiration struck. He took what was left of the bagel to the nearest five-star restaurant, where he said, "This is an original recipe of mine. I'd like to become a cook here." The manager of the restaurant ate the bagel in one bite, then burst into tears. "This is magnificent! You MUST work for me!" said the owner.
And so, Dirk became the restaurant's star cook. People came from miles around to taste Dirk's world famous sandwiches.
Making the food was easy. Dirk simply took fresh food behind the restaurant and smeared it around inside a dumpster. People thought it tasted "Heavenly," "Original," and "Sexually arousing".
Soon, garbage had become a nationally famous meal. Everyone abandoned eating from grocery stores and instead started going to garbage dumps to eat.
One day, a man named Francois was visiting a garbage dump when he attempted to eat an entire bicycle. He began choking. "Does anyone here know the heimlich maneuver? Or how to spell it?" said one woman. Nobody did.
"We should probably call an ambulance," said one man, matter-of factly.
"Or we could shoot him," said another man.
"Good idea!" said someone else. They shot Francois.
"Good greif," said a traumatized woman, "What an allegorical statement about human nature!"
"Allegorical? What the hell does that mean?" said an old man.
"An allegory is an extended metaphor in which a person or thing in a story represents something larger than itself. For instance, if this scene was an allegory in some story--farfetched, I know--but if it was, I would represent the educated minority who actually understands the world. You men who just shot Francois would represent the brutal, sheep-like majority, mindlessly conforming to the rest of the group and never listening to the educated minority."
"What the hell is she talking about?" said the old man.
"I have no idea," said his borther, "but I think she's deliberately trying to confuse us."
"Hey, I got a great idea--let's rape her!"
The men cheered and collectively pounced on the woman, who said, "Now, THIS is allegory in combination with some satirical and absurdist elements. OUCH!!! MY THIGH!!!"
As the men threw their clothes aside, a passing burgler thought, "Hey, this could be my big chance!" He crept up and pulled the mens' wallets out of their pants, one at a time. He then ran home with his pants full of wallets.
As he was crossing a road, all of the wallets in his pockets causes his pants to fall down past his knees, and he suddenly found himself surrounded by policemen and security guards. All of them were pointing large guns and grenade launchers at him.
"You're under arrest" bellowed one policeman, "you pervert! How DARE you pull your pants down in public?"
"We're gonna beat you until you ache in places you didn't even know you had!" Said another policeman.
"There could be CHILDREN in this neighborhood," said another policeman, "Imagine how disturbed a small child would be if he saw your underpants! He could grow up to be a serial killer or worse--a homosexual!" Several of the policemen cringed.
"The only reason my pants fell down is because I stole about a hundred wallets," said the robber, hoping to shock the policeman and give himself a chance to escape.
"Now stealing, we can forgive you for," said the policeman, "What's not okay is revealing your underwear. And by the way, where the hell did you get that underwear? It's GHASTLY!"
The robber felt a taser hit him. He passed out instantly.
He awoke in a cell. "You can make one phone call," said a cop, handing him his phone.
The robber dialed his mother.
"Yes, I'm here dearest."
"I'm...in a bit of trouble."
"Sweetie...did you rape an entire shopping mall again?"
"No. I accidentally pulled my pants down in public."
"You WHAT?" bellowed his mother.
"Pulled my pants down."
"YOU SICK BASTARD!!! I HATE YOU!!"
The robber's mother hung up the phone. She was about ninety years old, and the stress of hanging up the phone sent her into a coughing fit that caused her false teeth to fly out the window of her apartment, into the street below.
They landed in a passing truck. The driver didn't notice.
His name was Bruce. He was delivering a shipment of video games to a packaging facility in New York. He drove for eight hours before arriving there.
The men working at the factory were very lazy, and didn't notice the dentures sitting on top of one of the video games. They stuffed the dentures into a box alongside a video game.
The box was shipped to a local department store, where it sat for several weeks before being purchased. It finally was purchased by a wealthy man who had decided to buy an entire isle of video games for his son, despite the fact that his son was only two months old.
When he got home, the wealthy man dumped the boxes into his son's room and said, "Here. ENTERTAIN YOURSELF!" He then stomped off to buy Nicaragua.
The baby stared at the boxes, clearly perplexed.
He opened one of them, and out plopped the fake teeth. The baby picked them up curiously, and stuck them in his mouth.
When his mother got home after her daily plane ride to Hawaii, she was shocked to find her baby smiling at her with a full set of teeth.
"WHOA!" she said, "My baby has teeth already!"
She took a video the baby and uploaded it to Youtube. Within five minutes, the video had been watched over five million times.
One man who watched the video was Henry Murgleson, a man who, among other things, was morbidly afraid of false teeth. He wasn't aware when he clicked the link to the video that he would soon be exposed to his worst fear.
When he saw the teeth glimmering in the young baby's mouth, he screamed, ran out onto his front lawn, defecated, and began running in circles yelling, "NIPPLES!"
He kept this up for eighteen years. Soon, he made the national news, because he was on the verge of breaking the previous world record set for running in circles and yelling "nipples," which was set by a woman named Mildred Anus Anus Anus Smopp. Mildred was furious when she heard her record would soon be shattered.
"I thought that was something no one else would ever bother trying!" she said in tears to her husband, who was too busy munching on a garbage sandwich to notice, "That bastard's gonna break my record!"
"Why not kill him?" asked her son.
"GREAT IDEA," she said hysterically, "Now where did I leave that chainsaw I used to murder the librarian last year? Under the bed?"
"No, that's where the hacksaw is," said her son.
"Oh yeah. The chainsaw is in HERE!" she opened a closet, and her entire home town exploded. She had accidentally opened the storage closet where she kept her pile of nuclear weapons that she had bought at Wal Mart the year before. The United States government blamed the explosion on Iran, and declared war on the country.
The explosion of the hometown sent a donut flying through the air. It soared for miles and miles, until it finally flew through the window of none other than Boulder. It landed in his lap. "WHOA!" he said, "I finally got my donut!" He devoured it in one bite, and promptly died of radiation poisoning. He left his entire life savings to the cashier behind the counter at the donut store, because he felt bad about screaming at her. She used the money to purchase a lifetime supply of bagels.
The moral of this story is: Don't read articles about bagels--they're garbage.