The Monstrous Monster from the Murky Marsh
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The Native American village was long terrorized by a beast who rose from a nearby marsh. The creature was vast and covered with a grotesque, seeping ooze. He reeked with a stench unlike any other on this earth. His eyes were jet black, lifeless pits of despair. His arms were long and muscular, with razor-sharp, bloodstained claws on the end of each. His mouth was putrid, filled with skullcrushing, brainsquelching fangs. His nose was small and slimy, and constantly snuffling in the dark, sniffing for possible victims. His face was horrible. His body was grotesque. His spleen was spinechilling. His elbows were...actually, his elbows were kind of cute.
Anyway, the monster terrorized the Native Americans, stealing and eating their children, raping their women, insulting their mens' penis size, until one day, their great, wise cheif, or chief, or cheieiieieif, pointed his magical staff at the monster and said in his booming voice, "Be gone, you foul beast of the underworld! And never return, as long as I walk this earth!"
"HA! You think you can dispell a beast as powerful as ME?" scoffed the monster, but, to his horror, he found that he was being pulled like a magnet towards the swamp behind him, until finally it swallowed him up.
The cheeieieieif knew that as long as he lived, the world had nothing to fear from the marsh beast. Being gifted with magical powers, the cheeeiiiieeieif had a very long lifespan. It wasn't until the year 2008 that he tragically tripped and fell off a cliff. He survived, but then he tripped and broke his neck.
Deep under the marsh, a malice awoke. The marsh beast found himself regaining control of his senses. He was free from the cheieeieiieieiieieieieif's spell. And he was ANGRY. It was time to do some serious slaughtering.
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The beast began clawing his way through the thick marsh muck. Slowly but surely, he pulled his powerful mass through the mud until he reached the surface. But something was wrong. Something rock solid was blocking his way. He tried pounding it with his fists, but this proved useless. Thankfully, he found a very sharp rock, with which he successfully smashed his way through this mysterious obstacle that was blocking his way.
When he climbed through the hole he had smashed, he was shocked. There were absolutely no traces of his marsh. Instead, he was standing in some sort of vast, flat expanse, in which large, metal, hideous objects with rubber wheels were scattered. He gasped in surprise, then nearly passed out--the air felt like it was poisoned. He had caught his first sniff of gasoline. "And I used to think my MARSH smelled bad," he said, swaying with dizziness. "And where on earth are all the teepees?"
He staggered a few feet, hoping to see a human being to terrorize. It had been too long since he last saw a human face, frozen in terror, stripped of all joy and happiness at the sight of his monstrous bulk. He eyed a nearby building, which was covered in neon, plastic, and billboards, most of which read something like this: "Come eat at McDonald's, and you'll DIE sooner!!!!"
His heart leapt as two men came strolling out of the building. "My first victims!" he thought, as he sprinted towards them. Within a few moments, he was right in front of them. He let out an earth-shaking snarl and brandished his razor-sharp fangs at the two men.
The men stared at him blankly. "Hey, Bill, what the hell is that?" said one of them.
"Well, Jim, it's hairy and it smells. Probably a European."
"It means you come from Europe, which is this place that's far away and full of socialists and french people."
The marsh monster glared at the two men. "Hey, idiots!" be bellowed at them. They stared at him dully.
"I am the monstrous monster from the murky marsh!" bellowed the beast, "It is my sole purpose in life to devour human beings, and otherwise shred them apart! And tonight is your night to DIE!!!!"
"Dude...it's not night," said Jim.
"Huh?" said the monster, "But it's dark!"
"That's just the smog," said Jim, staring dully at the black sky, "The only difference between day and night here is that there are more prostitutes out at night."
"Whatever," said the monster, momentarily shocked, "Anyway, I'm going to DESTROY YOU!!!"
"Look, I dunno what drug you're on," said Jim, "I'd actually like to try some if you have any extra. But, to get to the point, if you aren't gonna buy a car you gotta get out of my parking lot."
"YOU DO NOT GIVE ORDERS TO ME!!!" bellowed the monster, and he seized Jim, and bit his head off in one horrendous crunch. He then turned to Bill, expecting him to be screaming in terror, but to his shock, Bill was cheering.
"Dude, that was AWESOME!!!" screamed Bill, jumping up and down on the spot, "Jim's blood just SPEWED! That was SWEET!"
"Look, you idiot," said the monster, blood dribbling down his chin, "I just ripped your friend's head off, and I'm gonna shred off yours next."
"SWEET!" said the man, pulling a camera phone from his pocket and thrusting it into the monster's hand, "Be sure to film my death and put it up on youtube. It'll get a bunch of views, for sure! It'll be SWEET! People will actually NOTICE me!"
The monster stomped on the man in disgust (his last words were "oh man, this is AWESOME!"). The monster then glanced around the parking lot where his marsh had once been. This was a most unfortunate turn of events.
He struck out down a road, hoping to find some more easily frightened people. It was difficult to see anything, however--everywhere he walked, he was bombarded by neon lights and the headlights of cars so he couldn't see a thing. He began to get a throbbing headache that made it difficult to walk, much less frighten anyone.
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Suddenly, the monster caught sight of three people hurrying down a street. One of them was a man, and the other two were small children. "Hurry up, kids, or we'll be late for the wedding party!" said the father to his children, "If you behave yourselves at the party, I'll let you try a sip of wine! And if you're REALLY good, I'll let you try some cocaine!" The children cheered as the father elaborated on the upcoming wedding party.
The monster felt his spirits lighten. A party! With little children! He'd barge in and smash everything, shred a few people, and watch with delight as chaos ensued. Surely he'd have more success at the party than he did at the parking lot!
So he followed the family of three, listening to the children discussing their favorite torture scenes from television shows.
Finally, the family arrived at a very large house, with nineteen cars in the driveway (some of them stacked on top of each other) and a backyard full of guns. The monster peered inside, to see the family of three join a huge group of people, most of them holding wine glasses and talking to each other, though a few of them were reproducing under tables. Then the monster saw his big chance: the kids had sat down in front of a television set, and turned it on to a reality show. Their father sat down on the floor right in front of them. He devised a wicked plan: he'd smash through the window and mangle the father right in front of the kids! Oh, the horror! This would be a halloween night they'd never forget! "How convenient that it's halloween night," the monster said to himself, "It's so perfect! Almost like an entry in a halloween story contest or something!"
Anyway, the monster leapt through the window, bellowing his terrible bellow, and sprinted over to the children, where he seized their father and bit him in half, slowly devouring him one bit at a time. To his delight, the children started shrieking. "I bet you're scared now, aren't you, you miserable little boogers!" he screamed at the sobbing children.
"No, we aren't scared!" said one of the kids, tears streaming down his face, "We're just upset because we can't see the TV anymore! Dad's blood is blocking the screen! We'll miss the finale of American Idol!"
The monster slowly sank to the floor, then curled up into a fetal position. What had he done wrong? Humans used to be so easy to scare, back in the day. But now, the marsh was torn down, and most humans found the carnage that the monster wreaked either amusing or uninteresting.
He listened numbly to the wedding guests talking to each other. A guest said to the groom: "I'm so glad you ended up doing the wedding at a McDonald's instead of the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is so boring. It's basically a giant butt crack. I suppose McDonald's is a giant butt crack too, but at least it has french fries. And appendixes." (READERS: some of you may have noticed "and appendixes." This was an allusion, meaning a reference to another story. This can be an effective poetic device. It can also be an effective way of making your story have more words without actually making any effort. CHALLENGE: can YOU figure out which other illogicopedia article "and appendixes" was referring to? Answer on this article's talk page and win a FREE urine sample!!!!!!!)
Anyway, the groom said: "Yeah, I'm glad we held the wedding at McDonald's too. The free barf bags they gave us were really a blessing. And the grand canyon is a pretty dull place. Let's vandalise it after the wedding."
Suddenly, the monster understood why he couldn't frighten the humans.
He stood up, and yelled to the partygoers: "YOU CAN'T FRIGHTEN INANIMATE OBJECTS!!!"
"What the hell was that supposed to mean?" said a man in the crowd.
"You people are barbarians. You're psychotic. You're violent. You're more primal now than you've ever been before. You have very little compassion for things that aren't shiny or sexually arousing. You're MONSTERS!!! Monsters, I say!! You're more horrifying than me, and I've got fangs the size of freakin' BANANAS!!!"
"What did he say?" said one guest to another.
"I don't know." said the other, "He wasn't talking about sex, so I stopped paying attention after the first couple words." he turned to the monster. "Are you selling something?"
"No, God no. I'm just saying that you people are stupid and brutal."
"Hey...he called us brutal. HE CALLED US BRUTAL!!! Who does he think he is?"
"Well, I'm a swamp monster."
"Yeah, swamp monster? So you think we're brutal, eh? So you think we're barbarians, eh? You BASTARD!!! We're human beings! We're the smartest animals on earth!!!" He turned to his friends, "LET'S BLUDGEON HIM!!!"
The crowd engulfed the marsh monster, clubbing him with bottles, chairs, and baseball bats. The children joined in the fun, laughing as they pummeled the monster with blunt objects.
"You call yourself a monster," laughed a terrifying human as he leered at the bruised marsh beast and stuffed a corkscrew into his ear, "You're no monster!"
"You're right!" said the monster, willing to say anything to get these brutes away from him, "I'm not a monster! I'm....uuuh...I'm a...uh...I'm an Arab!"
Suddenly, the smiles vanished from the human faces. In place of the smiles came looks of sheer panic. "Don't hurt us! PLEASE" said an old woman in the crowd, throwing her purse at the monster and shielding her grandchildren.
"Uh…" said the monster, looking at the horrified humans, "…boo."
The humans ran from the house, screaming, leaving the monster alone on the floor.
Suddenly, the author chose to end the story in a rather unusual fashion.
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CHOOSE YOUR OWN ENDING!!!!!!111
That’s right, YOU, the reader, can pick how you’d like this story to end! No more being unhappy with the way the author decided to wrap things up! This story puts YOU in control!!!
So, do you want….
…an ending that has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the story?
…or an ending that is both happy and tragic at the same time?