The Return of the Pumpkin King

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“I await the return of the Great Pumpkin”

~ Linus
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The Return of the Pumpkin King

Wait, when was he here the first time?



This article is one of Illogicopedia's EPICs.

Chapter 1, Who... Who are they?[edit | edit source]

"Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat. If you don't, I don't care. I'll pull down your underwear!"

"AGH!!! PERVERTS!!! Those kids are Perverts!"

"Geeze old man Jenkins, it's just a song," said Carl.

"Yeah," continued Lawrence, "He did this last year to the Sylvester kids..."

"Well I heard he's developing Alzheimer's disease," butted in Mandy.

Carl, Lawrence, and Mandy were triplets that went Trick or Treating every year. Carl and Lawrence hated Mandy because she was SO serious.

Lawrence retorted, "Shut the hell up Mandy! Damn!"

"UH!" Mandy yelled, "I'm telling Mom! You said the 'H' word and the 'D' word!"

"Why does she come with us every year?"

"Cause mom's worried about her litter girl getting hurt.. WAH WAH," Lawrence and Carl chuckled. "Wah!! I'm leaving!! Let's go to another chapter..." "Okay."

Chapter 2, The Evil King[edit | edit source]

Some dramitic music started playing. Wait.. It was..? Yeah.. It was Beethoven's 5th.

"Oh sh*t, It's Beethoven's 5th. That means something bad's gonna happen," Carl stated, even though it was ridiculously obvious. Out of nowhere The Pumpkin King appeared! DUH NUH NUH!!!!

"Woah!" Lawrence was jolted, "Did you hear the 'DUH NUH NUH'?"

"Yeah, this guy's got some pretty cool sound effects!"

"I," the Pumpkin King started, "Am," he continued, "The," he went on, "Pumpkin," he was gettin' there, "King."

"Wait, wait wait," Lawrence interrupted, "Are you- are you supposed to be scary? You're just a, like, 10 year old kid with a pumpkin on his head holding a sound effects machine."

"Is it," the Pumpkin King asked, "Is it really that obvious?"

"Well," Carl answered, "You are wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt..."

"Really? I can't look down..."

"Oh... that would help. This wasn't a thought out costume, was it?" Lawrence asked. "No."

Chapter 3 The Problem[edit | edit source]

"Guys," The Pumpkin King asked, "Can you help me... Get the pumpkin off?"

"Yeah. But can you tell us your name? The writer is getting tired of typing 'The Pumpkin King' every time you talk."

"Oh. AJ."

"Good. Lemme get my dad's chainsaw to get the pumkin off," said Carl.

"CHAINSAW?" said AJ.

"Yeah. Don't worry he's experienced. I think... Or was that Shawn? Huh."

"God dammit! Was it Shawn?"

"Lemme thin-"

"I got the chainsaw!" VROOM!!! He cut AJ's whole body in half with the chainsaw.

"Yeah... It was Shawn.. Ha! AJ? AJ? Aw.. sh*t. You killed him," Lawrence roused.

"Oh yeah... It was Shawn," astounded Carl. They both pondered why the author was using fancy words in stead of saying just, "Said".

"Well," Carl said, "We're murderers."

"Nuh-uh. You're a murderer."


"Sh*t!," said Lawrence.

"Put your hands up where I can see the-" VROOM!!

"Oops. I killed the cop," said Carl.

Chapter 4 The End?[edit | edit source]

Haha.. You actually thought it was the end. ROFLMAO!!! LOL!!!

Chapter 5 Is Death at the Door?[edit | edit source]

So. When we last joined our heroes, they were on a street in Suburbia after killing a cop. Let's rejoin them and see what's happening so far.

"We've gotta run!"

"Ya think?"


An atomic bomb blew up and a man with a big pumpkin on his head screamed "Yeah!! BITCH! You JUST GOT PWND!! BITCH!! I'M THE REAL PUMPKING KING BITCH!!! SUCK IT SON!!!!



"Wow," said Carl, "I can't believe we survived that atomic bomb.."

"I know," Lawrence said, "I think we did because the author realized he had no where near enough words to enter the contest."

"So... What do you want to do now?"

"Let's go talk to the real pumpkin king."

"Wait a sec... Oh! That's where the title comes from!"

"You- you didn't notice that?"

"No. Did you?"


Chapter 6 The World in Ruins[edit | edit source]

"Hey. Mr. Almighty Pumpkin King man, can you.." Lawrence was stuttering, "Can I... HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? I'm a huge fan of your work!"

"Oh, certainly."

"Sign here. It's my favorite of all of your books."

"Hm.. "Life With A Pumpkin on My Head". I cried while writing that..."

"I cried while reading it... You're so inspirational!! I love you! Will you- will you marry me?"

Carl stared as he watched right in front of his eyes, Lawrence go gay.

"Ye- yes!"


"Where," Carl wondered, "Where'd that music come from?" He looked behind him and saw a DJ.

"Hey. This is DJ Ray with Z 10.76! That's one of the classics I've gotta say. But comin' up in the next hour, Hollaback Girl, Lollipop, and Candyshop so keep on listenin."

"Oh.. that's where it came from.."

Chapter 7 Is it love? Or is it Fancy Feast?[edit | edit source]

"It is most definitely Fancy Feast"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because we are in the cat aisle, at a pet store."

"Good point."

"Who are we anyway?"

"I dunno. Some filler or something...."

Let's go back to the heroes as they battle adversity, society, and gay marriage laws.

"I love you Pumpkin King!"

"And I love you Lawrence."

They shut their eyes and went for a kiss and VROOM!!! Lawrence said with out opening his eyes, "You chainsawed him didn't you?"



"Wow.. I didn't know what got into me.. I guess his book Under My Spell was right..."

"Well that was disturbing..."


"Crap. Mandy's back."

"Hey! Guys, I heard the Pumpkin King was he- OH MY GOD YOU CHAINSAWED HIM!"



"Yeah we're murderers."

"Ya know who else is a murderer?" Mandy mused.

"Who?" The brothers said in unison. Mandy pulled out a nine-millimeter and pointed it at them. "Me."

"Woah," Lawrence said, "What the poop are you doing?"

"Killing you..." BANG!

"Wait.. we're not dead."

"Son of a bitch! Who put blanks in this gun?"

Chapter 8 A Close Call[edit | edit source]

"I did," Old Man Jenkins was standing there holding a shotgun.

"J-je-jen-Jenkins? This," Mandy stuttered terribly, "This-this can't b-b-be possib-b-."

"Get on with it."

"THIS CAN'T BE POSSIBLE! I've been planning this murder for years!!"

"Wait, wait," Carl asked, "Why would it take you years to come up with pulling a gun on us and shooting us. That's really simple."

"Wow... I wasted my time studying weather patterns and cereal nutrition facts then..."

"Die little girl!" Jenkins fired 8 rounds on Mandy killing her. "Yeah! The Wicked Bitch of the West is dead!"

"Jenkins... You're a child-killer.. That's kinda wrong..."

"But- you hated her.."

"Yeah.. but she was our sister... We're gonna have to turn you in..."


"Well.. yeah.. but I have to tell you one thing... YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!!!"

"Oh... I love that show.. Haha!! Ugh... You had me goin' there.. I gotta admit."

"I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."

"You can stop saying 'I know' Lawrence."


"Uh... that was a GREAT Halloween trick, I gotta say. Well thanks guys. You made my week."

"Don't mention it. We had fun too. Stay tuned when we punk Testostereich and Hindleyite. On PUNK'D!"

Chapter 9 No Title[edit | edit source]

So when we last left our heroes they were punking TReich and Hindleyite. Now we see them trying to sneak back into their house without their parents noticing. Let's see how this goes.

"Okay. We've gotta climb through the window. But.. how?"

"It's- it's- imp-p-p-p-posibl-impossible..."

"I know..."

"WAH!! WAH!!! WAH!!! WAH!!"

"Okay. You can stop crying now."

"Really? I didn't get the O.K. from the author."

"Well. We need to construct some kind of thing you can climb on. It has pieces of wood parallel going upwards and... More, smaller ones going to the side."

"You mean a ladder?"

"So that's what they're called..."


"Don't 'Ugh' me Carl!"

"I can if I want"

"Shut up"

"Make me"

"Just shut u-" VROOM!!!

"Crap. I chainsawed him. I gotta control that.."

So will our lone hero ever make it to the window? Will he be free? Will he come up with an excuse? Will he get out of murder charges? Will he been redeemed? Will The Pumpkin King return? Will Jenkins be arrested?


"So why are you still reading this? Wait.. You wanna see how that all happens? No.. That'd be too long for the author's attention span. So enjoy some other good articles like.. I dunno.. Toast, The OMG Scary Alien, or Are you Freaking Kidding Me?. Okay. I'm done promoting the authors other articles. Well... I guess I could climb into the window." Carl grabs hold of a windowpane and vaults himself up and slides through the window somewhat dramatically. "See? I did it! Ya happy? No?" Lemme sing ya a song...

Well.. I'm singin' a song as filler!! Oh yes I'm singin a song!!

"I'll shut up.. Well.. I gotta say goodbye so..."