Tofu

Tofu will come back in your sleep and devour your soul.

A horrifying sense of the macabre descended on Boston's Back Bay that night, as war and rumors of cheese gently cannonaded across the vast networks of bacteria, viruses and macrolife. According to the code of honor, fookie pharmacologists ambled the streets, proclaiming quietly in their mumbly voices that salivation is at hand. And sometimes, even at foot.

Foot salivation was of great interest that night to the sinister Harkening Barrister Extraordinaire. His monstrous amoral gin habit coincided with this month's publication date of The Watchtower, and he was particularly keen to appropriate scrap copper. Mathematical gorgon puffers supplimented the slipstream with their incessant Chinese wriggling and gnarled fingers. In creating Tofu, we respond in kind to the universe's intention to kill us.

Blithe comments about wretched buffoons cavorting about the caskets while the cameras were off made their way to the general populace, and next thing you know, Swiss Guard Special Forces are rappeling down from the roof and snatching up your lawn gnomes.

This ends the report on Tofu, for now.

Addendum

Now equestrians and linguistically gifted baboons are coming in droves to the Vatican, Vancouver and Lowell, Massachusetts. As the ships list, so list the listless. A secret revival tent goes up in my back yard as stolen lawn gnomes perch at the fringes, watching for Watchers. Oh, they are there, alright, eating pizza or washing their car or lacing bird feeders with sweet liqueurs and laughing at their drunken antics. Most of them are real assholes, but it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

The talkative monkeys are especially problematic, what with their policy of pooping wherever they like. Police are taking a dim view of this and other misbehaviors, and simian sympathizers are keeping a close eye on the police. No instances of brutality have been reported, nor have Special Monkey Operations Forces been called out. There have been no protests connected to horse-incited violence either.

So far, our hidden reptilian masters show no signs of revealing themselves or their mission to mankind in general. Thus, the identities of horses, baboons and equestrians may be alien in origin. The remains remain to be see.