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Undead[edit | edit source]
Undeadness is a prolonged and often uncomfortible state of both not aliveness and not deadness. Examples of this are zombies, bogeymen and Comedy Wiki writers. There are numerous difficulties in being undead, not least no one wanting to hug you, as hugging other undead individuals is viewed in a similar way as 'gay'.
Origin[edit | edit source]
a state of Undeadness can be induced in many ways, the far commonist is looking 'good enough to eat' to a zombie (you might like to take this as a compliment, but most zombies can't see anyway). Other ways include sub-urban migration, necrophilia and the sacrificing of oysters to the The Holy Broken Chair of Fluffiness.
Etmoloty[edit | edit source]
The term 'undead' is thought to originate from the greek 'yun deaus', meaning 'jolly corpses. This refers to the greek myth that instead of biting, kissing or killing the living, they in fact reproduce sexually (either playing up living or other undead people). Another theory that it comes from the russian 'Ũņđəąď' meaning "bugger of", which is why the russian zombies are more irritable than those in the other parts of the world (exept those of Mongolia, for whom the name is "Ź*** Œ*** Þ**" which translates as " you bl**dy B***erds that F*** plants")
Famous undead people[edit | edit source]
Probably the most famous of undead people is the count Vladimir Dracula. He took the science of undead to the extreme, famousely unkilling thousands of people. He is known as 'the world's worst mass-unmudurer'. How much semen he divulged after his million acts of necrophilia in the process of creating undead people is probably measured in thousand tonnes, however (despite Dracula creating careful and precise records of the volume of semen) the exact value is unknown. Other undead people include Gordon Brown and Batman.
How to deal with undead dinner guests.[edit | edit source]
As a general rule, undeceased persons have a tendency to be overly randy and kinky, which limits the amount of possible dinner formats. There are several crucial things that need to be accounted for:
- Make sure that you serve meat, prefibly overcooked and after the sell-by-date. The best places to try for this are Sainsbury's and ASDA.
- Do NOT, under any circumstances, invite the vicar around the same day (unless you want to unkill him, in which case go ahead).
- Aviod jokes involving any non-sexual reference, as the undead guest might think that you were not dirty minded, and hence tasty.
- Take their coats before dinner, as their arms may fall off.
- Ask any intellegent question (such as "so, what did you do).
- Ask any unintellegent question (such as "so, how/what do zombies poo?")
- In fact, avoid asking any questions, as the sound may alert the zombie to your presence.
- Oh, and don't invite any undead people around at all...
How to react in an apocalypse[edit | edit source]
- First, leave the planet - it's much less hassle
- Then kick yourself in the bottom for forgetting food, drink and fuel
- Then drift into space for eternity.