The Battle of My Room
The Battle of My Room took place last week in my room, though not exclusively. Just the important parts, where everyone got killed and stuff. The battle, fought between Friday after lunch and Saturday around breakfast was fought between two sides: the G.I. Joe action figures, and the Lego Army. The Lego Army, though heavily outnumbering the G.I. Joes, had a severe lack of effective weaponry, making the battle a fair and thoroughly fun. When the dust cleared, the battle was the most entertaining and fun battle I have ever made.
On Friday, after I had my lunch of Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with salty chips, the conflict began. Though the two groups usually fought together against those evil, girly Barbies, today I decided that it would be more fun and way more bloody if the two decided to fight against each other. I guess the leaders of
the G.I. Joes decided it was about time to crush those small, moving-joint-lacking Legos that called 'comrades'. Either that or I was just looking for something to do to stall doing homework that I had assigned over the weekend.
Once the two started sending 'hate mail' to each other, they also began to fortify their positions. The Legos, whose movable Head Quarters was generally stationed near the closet, decided to take the high ground and consequently moved their base and men up on top of the dresser. They created a nearly unsurpassable barrier of clothing with some help from me, and the only reason why I did it was to prolong the G.I. Joe approach to prolong the amount of time before I had to do my homework. After the Legos constructed this barrier, they made several vehicles including scouting vehicles, small, light-weight vehicles generally labeled in red bricks, aerial vehicles, with no aerodynamic shape whatsoever but still managed to fly because I pick them up and make noises, and heavy duty, which are the 'tanks' that don't really fire anything at all.
The G.I. Joes, on the other hand, kept their base, which was in fact a shoebox full of men and guns that I wrote 'BASE' on, in its normal position. They left their base at the very bottom of the desk, near the leg of it. They were on the low ground, but they were now across the room from the Lego which kept them safer and allowed them more room to move their men.
Before the initial conflict had begun, both sides had their advantages and disadvantages. The Lego Army far outnumbered the G.I. Joes, who only had about ten or so soldiers to fight with. The Lego Army also had their vehicles to help them move around easier, but it really makes no difference because I could just pick up the G.I. Joes and move them to any room I pleased. The G.I. Joes, on the other hand, had much larger and more sophisticated weapons that the Lego men. This too made no difference, for I had the ultimate weapon: my hand.
The First Day
As the tensions grew and I started to want bloodshed, the battle finally began. The Legos, who at this time had the high ground, began sniping at the G.I. Joes. The Legos, not being able to aim very well due to their lack of arm movement, didn't hit a single G.I. Joe. Well, maybe they did, but I made sure not to kill any of them because they would need as many guys as possible for their upcoming attack on the Legos. So the Legos decided to stop shooting, probably because I had to go to the bathroom and take a pee. But, after that, the real battle begun.
The First G.I. Joe Attack
I became |really bored of the traditional stuff, so I forced the G.I. Joes to make an attack regardless of whether they wanted to or not. They selected five men to send in the attack, a good amount just in case they got a casualty. However, they didn't actually choose, I just grabbed a handful of men out of the shoebox. Then, they crossed the room stealthily while the Lego snipers and guards weren't paying attention so they could go by undetected. Or you could just say I carried them over to the dresser. Either way, they secretly climbed up the dresser. Once they got to the top, they all attacked the Lego base at once with their plastic guns. To add effect, I made all of the gun noises like "Pow!", "Bang!", and "Boom!" They killed a total of five Lego men, who, before the attack, had a total of around twenty eight men. Most were supplied with small guns, but I didn't have enough for all of them so some just got sticks and swords. However, despite lesser weapons, they still managed to 'kill' a G.I. Joe. I really just knocked him over. The others in the attack group retreated by having me carry them back to their base.
The Lego Attack
After a five minute break after the G.I. Joes attack (Time for a snack), the Lego Army began its first attack. They organized a group of about eleven men, and they armed them all with their biggest weapons. Because the Lego men can hardly move, I just put them near the G.I. Joe base to save some time for bloody fighting. The group of Lego men tried to move stealthily, but I made sure that the G.I. Joes were 'alerted' by making one of them look at the lego men. The G.I. Joes, now alerted to the presence of the attack, began to 'shoot' at the Lego men. Both didn't have real guns, so I simulated them getting killed by knocking them over and making noises like "Geee-yaih!" and others. And, to add effect, I squirted ketchup everywhere to simulate blood. It stained the carpet, so my mom got really mad. But, the Lego men fired all of their weapons, and managed to kill one G.I. Joe and injure another. To make his injury happen, I popped one of his arms off, and he couldn't fight anymore. After the Legos killed the G.I. Joe, the retreated because they had lost six men to the machine gun the G.I. Joes had.
At this point, the G.I. Joes were left with five healthy soldiers and one injured, whereas the Legos had seventeen available to fight with. It appeared that the G.I. Joes would attack again, but then I had to go to dinner.
My Dinner was very delicious. My mom made a nice medium-rare steak and we had a side of mashed potatoes and peas. The peas were from a can, but it still tasted good and I enjoyed eating it. The steak was juicy and tender, and I got the T-Bone section. I tried to saw through the bone, but to no avail. Eventually, after I crammed a ton of mashed potatoes into my mouth at once and got plenty all over my shirt and the table, I was done with my dinner. Then the battle was about to get started again.
While I was eating dinner, the injured G.I. Joe 'healed up' and was ready for battle, and both forces attempted to rebuild and reorganize after their gruesome fights.
The Second G.I. Joe Attack
The G.I. Joes, at this point re-energized and reformed, were about to start another attack. However, what they didn't know is that the Legos had discovered a cache of new, high-tech weapons that were stronger and more efficient than their previous ones. They also got more to replace the ones they lost in their invasion attempt. I got the
The action figures, who did not know about the Lego Army's new weapons, still proceeded with the attack. Realizing that if they send too many, they might get more killed, so they only sent four. What I mean by that is I just grabbed a handful again, and this time I only got four. Apparently, the leader of the group sent himself into battle this time (lucky pick). Now, the group actually went across the floor this time, and the managed to dodge enemy fire. Since they moved across slowly, this gave away there attack and gave the Legos time to rebuild their defenses. After they fortified their fortress by having me put stuff around it, the G.I. Joes finally made it to the top of the dresser. However, at this time, the new fort was even more fortified and it would be very difficult for the G.I. Joes to get over the new barrier of clothing. When they did, they would be moving slowly and easy targets for the Legos. So, to make it fair, I just picked them up and put them over the barrier, where the slaughter begun. At first I made the G.I. Joes blow up a couple Lego guys with their big guns, but then the Legos revealed their new and improved weapons-therefore slaughtering the G.I. Joes two were down before they managed to retreat from the dresser.
The leader of the action figures managed to make it back to the base alive. His surviving companion did as well, after being shot by the snipers. This left the G.I. Joes with one injured and four men healthy, meaning they were in a bad situation. At this time they decided they needed to recover, and my mom told me to go to bed anyway.
The Second Day
After I woke up, I went straight back to the battle instead of eating breakfast. Before the conflict began, I made sure that the Lego scout vehicles went to use so I threw some of them down the hall so that they could 'scout' the rest of the house. The G.I. Joes at this point had recovered fully, And they had five men ready to fight. They had become aware of the Lego group sending a scout team to the other rooms of the house, so they sent their silent, stealthy ninja to go after them and kill them all. The Lego scout group had also brought along their ninja, so things were certainly going to get messy.
The Lego Attack
The Legos soon realized it was time to strike the G.I. Joes, seeing that they hadn't had their coffee yet and weren't ready. Actually, I just wanted the slaughter to begin. And so the Legos, who now had around thirteen soldiers left, planned an attack with only six men. However, they were giving their men the big guns, the ones that would easily blow the bits out of the G.I. Joes and win them the battle. Since I had no time to waste, I just put the Lego men next to the G.I. Joe fort. They shot at each other dramatically for a bit, and I made sure to add the noises. My sister was giving me weird looks after that. Anyhow, neither of the two groups could really get lead on each other. But then one of the lego soldiers brought up his Grenade launcher, fired it at the base and blew up one of the G.I. Joes. The base blew up as well, but the other three men managed to get away before any of the Lego men could kill them. The Lego men celebrated, or at least I made them. And then they went back to their base.
The G.I. Joes were struggling to reform. They realized that they would all die if they did not do something fast. They realized that their only hope was to make one last final charge... or I was just hungry and wanted my breakfast.
The Final Charge
This is where things started to get really interesting. The G.I. Joes were pressed for time and really needed to crush the Legos while they were still vulnerable and recovering from their last attack. And I wanted to go eat my breakfast. And so the three G.I. Joes that were left gathered their weapons and made the march across the room. I turned all of the Lego men in the army turn around so that they did not notice the G.I. Joes approaching. The G.I. Joes slowly climbed at the dresser to add that certain effect they use in movies to build suspense. And, then, out of nowhere, a 'bird' which was really my hand flew out of no where and took one of the G.I. Joes away. The two were scared, but continued their endeavor. The one that got taken away was dropped on my knife collection and impaled. Loser. The other two jumped up an began the fight.
But before they started shooting at the Lego base I remembered the scout team and the ninja I sent after it. So I walked out down the hall and made the guys fight for a while; the G.I. Joe ninja mercilessly slaughtered all of the Lego men. However, while he was not looking the Lego ninja snuck off into a corner and waited to attack. And, just as G.I. Joe ninja finished killing all of the other Legos, the Lego ninja jumped out and attacked the other one. The two fought for a while, but then I got bored and made them both stab each other at the same time and die.
And so I went back to my room to finish the battle off. The G.I. Joes stayed in the same spot for a while and so did the Legos, so I had to make it interesting. The G.I. Joes attacked with all of their weapons, emptying clips constantly. The Legos, caught by surprise, fell like flies; literally. I picked them up and dropped them. Six were killed in the surprise attack, and the surviving men made it to the arsenal and grabbed their weapons and started to shoot the G.I. Joes. The G.I. Joes had to retreat, and I put them back on the floor. The seven remaining Lego men followed, shooting very poorly because they kept missing. Then my mom pounded on my door and told me "Shut the hell up, Timmy!" so I had to stop with the sounds. But the fight kept going, and soon one G.I. Joe got killed. The other hid behind my shoe. He was the only one left, and, for the cinematic feel, I made sure it was the leader. Now seven Lego men were approaching slowly. He jumped out form behind the shoe and shot six of the Legos, so that only him and one Lego were left. SO for fun I acted as a nuclear bomb launched from China, and the both died because I stepped on them.
The battle was finally over. Out of the the 38 total toys that were present at the beginning of the fight, none survived. And that made it all the more fun. The battle ended because I was getting bored of it, actually. Anyway, the families of the killed soldiers were all given a a decent amount of money, which was really Monopoly money I took from the box. Since the guys didn't have real families, I just pretended the Barbie dolls were there wives so I gave them the Monopoly money. Then, after I picked up all of the bodies and put them back in there boxes, I went and ate my breakfast, which was very delicious. It was pancakes with syrup and butter with a cereal. So good.
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